You know, the holidays are a time for special things: introspection, family gatherings, and the purchasing of overpriced items. As I sit here on this graham-colored couch that my boyfriend bought three years ago at a yard sale, I can't help but think that I am qualified to share my opinions on things that nobody asked my opinions on. After all, it is the holiday season, and everyone is looking for mindless, unsolicited advice from a stranger who claims to have all the answers. Dearest friends, in this, our twelve-est month of the year, I felt it important to share a little bit of me with you. And so I thought I would follow Gwyneth Paltrow's lead and give you some life tips you never wanted in the first place. After the jump, some special things to make, go, do, get, be and see.
- MAKE: A Mess We all love to make things. When I wake up every morning, I say to myself, "What, Hortense, are you going to make today?" And the answer is usually this: "I am going to make a mess." It is so freeing when one realizes their true powers of mess making-dom. There are so many ways a person can make a mess, really. You can start by getting out of bed and saying, "Screw you, bed. You're not getting made today...but a mess certainly is!" After that, celebrate your power by making breakfast and leaving the dishes strewn about the kitchen. Then, decide not to shower or change your clothes, and carry your mess with you throughout the day. Do not fret when your co-workers glare at you: they are just jealous! Your messy hair, general stank, and slept-in clothes are a way of saying to the world, "I have made a decision, and that decision is mess." Then celebrate once more by falling asleep on your keyboard and dreaming in a pile of your own drool. Nobody else can make that drool for you: you have to want to make it on your own.
- GO: Outside! When I am inside typing, I often think to myself, "Gee, I wish there was another option." Turns out, there is! You can go outside as well. Outside, there are trees, plants, and clouds. There are also small dogs who leave excrement on the sidewalks. Do not step in the excrement. While it's tempting to test new substances on one's shoes, please remember that not every path in life is a good path; the excrement path is one to avoid. I once stepped in excrement in seventh grade and was called "Poo Shoes" for about 3 days. As an expert on these things, I'd advise you to walk around the excrement and find yourself another way. The outside is vast; there are poop free zones for us all to enjoy.
- GET: Real While cashmere socks and $1,800 watches are tempting, they aren't exactly practical for all of us in these strange economic times. With the holiday season upon us, it's important to remember that gifts from the heart mean more than gifts from the fanciest stores in town. That being said, you only have one real rule to follow, when it comes to getting the best gifts for your friends and family: don't bake cookies unless you are good at baking cookies. We all love homemade gifts, it's true, and the good intentions behind a tin of sugar or chocolate chip lovelies is grand, indeed, but for the love of all things Christmas, if you're one of those people who doesn't know the difference between baking powder and baking soda and ends up packaging a box full of burned hockey puck-esque "treats," each year, you might want to consider saving your time and your money and just buying your friends some liquor instead. Because while burned cookies say, "I tried because I love you." A bottle of whiskey says, "I didn't try, because I love you more."
- DO: Get Creative Now that we're in a recession, I think it's important to consider cheaper methods of purchasing couture items, which is why I highly recommend treating your facial blemishes with benzoyl peroxide medication. Not only will your skin glow like fresh love on a winter's morning, but your towels, t-shirts, and perhaps even your eyebrows will be bleached to holy hell, leaving designer purple pink streaks on all of your favorite linens. It's a personal stamp that says, "I'm here, my skin is somewhat clear, and I will probably run out and buy new towels whenever someone comes to visit, so that they won't see my bleached up ones, even though they are my friends and seriously? Screw those guys if they make fun of my zit bleach towels. They can drip dry for all my beautiful clear face cares."
- BE: Yourself And by "yourself," I mean the version of yourself that I have laid out so carefully in the other segments of this newsletter. If you're doing this correctly, you should be staring at the screen with a cup of fresh chocolate milk beside you as Duran Duran's "The Reflex" plays in the background and the scents of nutmeg and popcorn waft through the air. The trapeze artist to your left should be named Allan, with two L's, and your cat should be thumbing through a macrobiotic cookbook and planning next Thursday's dinner. If one or more of these things isn't taking place, perhaps it's time for you to slow down and ask yourself, "Who am I, really? And why am I not following the goddamn newsletter rules?"
- SEE: This:
This man, Tom Jones, is trying to tell you what "a lady" is. Don't you want to be the kind of woman that this jackass would "like to flaunt and take to dinner?" Then perhaps you should pay attention to his smooth moves and rockin tune. Also, this is one of the most unintentionally hilarious songs of all time. So give it a spin as you bleach your towels, make your messes, avoid excrement, and throw your burned cookies at annoying neighbors. Then invite your friends over and share that holiday whiskey. Together, with the help of JOOP, we're going to get through this recession, the very best ladies we can be.