There are very few people in human history who have been able to spin shit—I mean, gold—from the most inane, everyday products in the advertising marketplace. Jonathan Van Ness, thankfully, has spent four seasons of Queer Eye honing his blade on the whetstone of sponsored content (and using it to shave the neckbeards of MAGA hat-toting cops and probable incels.) When Charmin toilet paper needed a facelift, he teamed up with the brand for their “Johns, Johnathans, Johnnys, and Jonathinas” campaign, announcing: “I’ve always enjoyed Charmin’s mission to make my bathroom experience more gorgeous.” Now, the bathroom industry has rang their alarm once again, and Jonathan is back and ready to sell. But this time? He’ll do almost anything to close the deal, even shit himself!
People reports that the inspiration behind JVN’s latest sponsored content deal with PooPourri, a line of bathroom sprays, involved hot seafood spinach salad, kombucha, and frozen yogurt. But as this is Jonathan Van Ness, avatar of love and light and positivity, he wants to “remove the stigma and shame” of something he calls “poo shame”—which he’s experienced! As the marketing consultant recounts:
“It was Sepulveda and Pico, and I was in a Kia Rio, at a red light, with nowhere to run,” he begins, setting the scene at the Los Angeles intersection. “And it wasn’t a ‘shart’ or a ‘chancer,’ as my step-dad would have said. (A chancer is when you have to fart and so you take a chance but you’re not sure.) This wasn’t a chancer — this was a 27-year-old having a full diarrhea that was brought on by a hot, seafood spinach salad with a kombucha and frozen yogurt.”
It’s an inspiring story for influencers everywhere, and one of triumph at that. Instead of sulking in your own pool of hot, steaming diarrhea—use it to your advantage. Take a selfie, tag it #pooshame (or PooPourri’s pre-fabbed #letthatshitgo), and hope that the torrent of body fluids can land you a sponsorship contract! And if not that, maybe the opportunity to star in a PooPourri commercial alongside JVN for the opportunity to hear his delivery on, “Wow girl, yes, you better slay today queen yasssss.” [People]
Justin Bieber’s expansive Beverly Hills mansion is objectively ugly—Jezebel was right when we said it the first time, and we’d say it again gladly! However, in broadcasting this distaste for large, empty rooms that flaunt the wealth of their inhabitants, a simple blog might have made those same inhabitants a truckload of cash!
TMZ reports that Justin Bieber’s Instagram listing—and by association, the press it received—attracted the attention of “at least five prospective buyers,” including a “billionaire from a very famous family.” (Yikes!) Per the outlet:
Justin and Hailey bought the 6,132-square-foot property last year for $8.5 million. A highly respected real estate agent in L.A. tells us the home isn’t worth more than that — but says there are certain buyers who will pay a premium because of the current owner. He says that the buyer would probably offer somewhere in the 9's.
Regardless, the house is ugly, I’m definitely not jealous, and I’d say it again—even under duress of a $9 million payday for the Bieber clan. And while I’m not advocating that you follow Jonathan Van Ness’ example and shit on his lawn—it’s certainly one way to bring down the value of a house! [TMZ]
- Jennifer Aniston has joined Instagram. [Us Weekly]
- Can you imagine Nicole Kidman and Charlize Theron’s steamy affair? I can! [ET]
- Khloe Kardashian shared some Taylor Swift lyrics on Instagram, which is a joke that wrote itself. [Hollywood Life]
- The ghost of Princess Diana has been haunting Kate Middleton’s time in Pakistan. [People]
- Eva Mendes isn’t afraid to get a haircut at Supercuts—which I respect! [Us Weekly]