Sometimes "news" really just means "a conflagration of bizarre, seemingly-unrelated events that would seem more appropriate in a P.T. Anderson movie than they do in actual life," and this is one of those times. A woman went into the late stages of labor on a park bench in New York, and the paramedics were already on the scene when TMZ caught Jonah Hill, of all people, meandering, stupefied, up to the bench to get a picture of the afterbirth.
When the paparazzi called out Hill and girlfriend Alexandra Hoffman (Dustin's daughter and Hill's girlfriend), he fled, abashed. Judging by Hill's later tweet, he was there for most of the birthing process before the ambulance arrived:
Without further ado, the inner monologue of the woman giving birth on the park bench:
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU—wait wasn't that kid in Superbad but is in more serious movies now, what was that one about Moneyball or Murderball or Ballsomething, what is my life even, FUUUUUUUUUU—
[TMZ]
- Gabby Douglas, like most of us, wishes Ian Somerhalder were single. Sigh. [Us Weekly]
- Beyoncé demanded that the reality cameras be turned off when she entered a club that Girlfriend Confidential: NY was filming in, because of course. [Page Six]
- "Rick Ross puts me in a good mood," says Gwyneth Paltrow. "He just does." Something tells me she knows a Noriega, but probably not the real Noriega. [Us Weekly]
- Robert Downey Jr. pissed in jars on the set of Zodiac to protest the long hours. [Page Six]
- Roman Coppola has given Charlie Sheen the lead in his new movie. [Page Six]
- Björk speaks out on behalf of Pussy Riot. [NYDN]
- Kristen Stewart is verrrry nervous about Robert Pattinson's upcoming interview. [Radar Online]
- Neil Diamond got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame! Just to be clear, that's Neil Diamond, not Will Ferrell's criminally glorious impression of Neil Diamond. [Chicago Tribune]
- Cameron Diaz threw Drew Barrymore a baby shower. [Us Weekly]
- Mariah Carey will be teaming up with OPI for the creation of three nail polishes. [NYDN]
- Brandon Routh is a new dad to baby Leo James, and calls his wife Courtney Ford "a rockstar." Aw. [People]
- Real Housewives of New Jersey's "Juicy" Joe Giudice is a horrible, abusive gross-out shaped like a human being. (Barely.) [People]
- Macaulay Culkin was spotted looking better in New York after rumors of his heroin addiction. [TMZ]
- Nicole Scherzinger is reportedly blowing her entire X-Factor paycheck on keeping philandering boyfriend Lewis Hamilton in the lifestyle to which he's become accustomed. [Metro.co.uk]
- "I love babies, love working with babies, I appreciate them for being babies, and I do not want one for myself. I really like the way my life is now." —Christina Hendricks, Mad Men actress, president of the Baby Appreciation Society. [Express.co.uk]
- George Clooney's lady Stacy Keibler is going to be the host of a new reality competition for inventors. [Express.co.uk]
- Looks like Blake Fielder-Civil's showing signs of improvement since he fell into a drugs-and-alcohol-induced coma. [NME]
- Shakira is suing two former employees for blackmail. [Contact Music]
- "One man's trash is another man's treasure," said 50 Cent about Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. Ow. [VH1]
- Speaking of which, Kim Kardashian went off birth control. Lo, a Kimyelet may be nigh. [Celebrity Dirty Laundry]
- Every single part of Meryl Streep gossiping with Andy Cohen on Watch What Happens Live is freaking amazing, but my favorite parts are the one where she says that Tom Cruise smells "like nothing." [Buzzfeed]