John Oliver Had to Close His Megachurch Because Too Many People Sent Him Semen

John Oliver announced on Sunday that Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption, the official megachurch of Last Week Tonight, will have to close because they were receiving too much semen in the mail.

Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption was founded in a brilliant segment on televangelists, who trick followers into sending them “seeds”—i.e. monetary donations—that they’re led to believe will come back their way threefold. Here is Pastor John Oliver’s farewell letter:

It is I, Megareverend and C.E.O. of Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption Church, Pastor John Oliver.

We thank you for all your kind donations, but I’m sorry to report that we have closed down the church. And let me take a moment to explain why – it’s certainly not because we have to.

We have still, miraculously, not broken any laws by promising you untold riches in return for sending us money. We’re also not closing down because you all kept sending us actual seeds, even though we explicitly told you not to. We’re closing because multiple people sent us sperm through the mail. And when someone sends you jizz through the mail, it’s time to stop whatever you’re doing.

So we are shutting this s**t down. Praise be!

P.S. All previous monetary donations have been forwarded to Doctors Without Borders. We did not send the sperm.

Seeds, sperm—one can see why there was some confusion! Watch the original segment here: