John McCain's Totally Hot Great Grand- Er, Son!

Illustration for article titled John McCains Totally Hot Great Grand- Er, iSon!/i

Hottie alert! Meet John McCain's son Jack McCain. He enjoys surfing, cooking, poetry, some weird Japanese drag racing subculture they made into a Fast & Furious sequel you definitely didn't see, and being in the U.S. American armed forces like dad. He's momentarily taking over campaign blogging for his sister Meghan, who is sick. (She "went to the doctor today and had it confirmed." Pregnant sick? Let's vote "no" for poor Meghan, but "yes" for the country?!) Anyway, we're presenting Jack to you because he is cute but moreover because we scoured his profile and could find absolutely nothing that brushed up upon any of those finely tuned Sixties Sensors so beloved by the Boomers. And while we can't exactly be thankful we got laid last night, we certainly can be thankful that it is starting to look like America is for the very first time EVER going to have an election that has nothing to do with the sixties! That and school shootings, Danny Ortega's valentine to Barack Hussein Obama, with me and Megan as usual etc. etc. so you know what to do just JUMP!


MOE: Ah, there you are! Keeping yourself "busy" hee hee?
MEGAN: Yeah, just reading this story about puppies and love and how kind of fucked up our government is.
MOE: ooooooooh Iraq puppies!!! Dammit I totally referenced another Iraq dogs story yesterday written by my ex housemate Yochi Dreazen, but now I can't find it!
Ok, question: how come I keep seeing polling data from Pennsylvania saying Clinton's winning HUGE there but I keep not, seeing polling data from Texas, which happens like a whole six weeks before? And why is she so popular in Ohio?
MEGAN: Wow, I even went to this site that links to every damn poll and there really isn't any data on Texas. That's too weird. Do people in Texas just refuse to talk to pollsters or something?
MOE: Uhhhhhh, that would. be like some weird Texas motto. No vibes is good vibes etc. etc.
I still can't believe they outlawed sex toys.
MEGAN: I dunno, sometimes men get jealous of sex toys? I have a friend who felt really awkward when his girlfriend brought one home, maybe the Texas legislature is just filled with really insecure men?
MOE: I mean, Virginia has a law banning "obscene items." It would be one thing to just go banning, like, those weird sucky things shaped exactly like vaginas, or vibrators shaped like massive schlongs, and other things that scare me. But for them to ban ALL SEX TOYS OUTRIGHT FOR EVER AND EVER...that has to violate some amendment with a number smaller than 14!
MEGAN: I think it's definitely violative of my religious freedoms. But, I do agree that male masturbatory aids are a little disturbing, like, is it really sexy to stick one's dick in a molded plastic vadge that one is holding?
MOE: You know what I never got for the longest time were the limp dicks. And then I realized they were for "packing." That has got to be a pretty niche industry. But let us go back to electoral politics since it's been like a whole day and
I love it when conservatives unleash their closet atheists on charismatic liberals. Also am I the only person who did not know Chuck Krauthammer was Canadian?
9:21 AM MEGAN: Krauthammer is Canadian?
9:22 AM MOE: Somehow? I would Nexis every column he's ever written on health care, but not bothering.
I'm going to put it out there that I had a few epiphanies last night!
9:23 AM One is that if Obama wins the nomination it means no boomers on the ballot.
9:24 AM MEGAN: Whoa.
If I had any last night, I forgot them when I sobered up.
But that's kind of mind-blowing.
MOE: No Boomers, who came into their political perspectives in an era so politically charged that it's almost possible to separate them from their visceral reactions to the sixties. Boomers, with the chief tension within all of their lives being the struggle between the weird youthful combination of idealism and hedonism and the cynical, realpolitik selloutathon that followed. None of their sixties hangups or seventies post traumatic crises. And like, that is a big relief. Because I actually think the opposition to Hillary had less to do with her being a woman than her being a Boomer, and the manifestation of all of the compromising under the guise of having it all or whatever. Actually I'm really hung over, but this idea made a lot of sense last night.
MEGAN: I'm pretty hung over, too, actually.
MOE: The thing was that Hillary came of age in an era that made her a Democrat. In any other era, it is very easy to see her rising to the Senate as a moderate Republican. But her peers shaped her political beliefs. And her peers did their part to shape the political beliefs of pretty much every other motherfucking member of that generation with the possible exception of clueless drunktards like the current occupant of the White House.
With Obama and McCain, on the other hand, their political coming of age was more their own. Independent, with their views shaped largely by their own, you know, "journeys."
Or whatever, by their fathers.
Their daddy issues.
MEGAN: When I'm drunk, my thoughts are things like "I'm hungry" and "He's cute." Maybe I need to start drinking different things to achieve your level of thought.
MOE: Oh haha these are thoughts I had before I got drunk.
Actually they are thoughts I had when I called my mom.
MEGAN: Phew, I feel totally better now. Well, except for the fact that I didn't call my mothers.
MOE: the story about the Kuciniches reminded me grossly enough of my parents.
MEGAN: I have no response to that.
MOE: And so I called them, and my mom informed me happily that she saw sooooo many black people at our polling place ("I've never seen a black person at that polling place!") that she felt like Obama was safe and that she could vote for McCain and keep Huckabee at bay.
It was also a decision, she confided, that had been informed by some recent PBS special on Karl Rove.
"Such a sinister figure."
But anyway both she and my dad for the first time, were like, soooo excited in a happy way to talk about politics. so excited about the possibilities!
And it was just like, wow, you know what? We finally have the distinct possibility of an election in which the MOTHERFUCKING SIXTIES IS NOT ON TRIAL.
MEGAN: Or, maybe, one in which voter turnout is higher than 40 percent? Because that would be equally cool.
MOE: What is more, one in which both Rush Limbaugh and Al Sharpton have been rendered irrelevantish!
MEGAN: That, too, would be cause for celebration. Al should've endorsed sooner.
MOE: No shit! PUSSY.
Oh wait, so amidst all the hopes and dreams and shit.
Yesterday's campus shooter was a sociology major. With "very good marks." WTF.
MEGAN: I was a Sociology major and got really good grades. I agree that those are irrelevant facts to the question of why he walked into a geology lecture and shot the place up.
But, apparently, the school won't confirm his name to the hordes of press that have descended, so they have to write something.
MOE: You know who else was a sociology major was that weird feminist turned misogynist law student. But blah blah digress. Anyway, I think we can all agree that school shootings are terrible and confusing and you never seem to find out enough about them until another one happens and you google "what the hell ever happened with so-and-so school shooting", only hopefully with better search terms, and then you either learn some heartbreaking twisted story of some kid who was just depressed and lost and made insane by his surroundings, or a total psychopath. Oh FUCK the hangover is setitng in. Um...
I think I should probably bring up Daniel Ortega's endorsement of Barry Obama
Yesterday Hunter Walker and I were IM-ing (sober) about the impact of Obama vs. McCain on foreign policy etc.
Both spent some formative years in Southeast Asia!
HW thinks McCain is completely a creature of PTSD, which is totes true!
But whatever, ORTEGA. Makes me want to listen to the Clash.
MEGAN: I saw the Ortega thing, which I'm sure will sit TOTALLY well with conservative voters. He's like, Messican or something, right?

MOE: Oh! Go to and react to the hot or notness of Megan mccain's brother would you dear?
MEGAN: At first I looked and went, eh, a little fratty and blonde for my taste and then I read this: "I speak broken Farsi, Japanese, Spanish and some Afrikaans" and swooned.
Also, he loves cooking and is a published poet. I'm guessing that he's single, and hoping cute girls read his sister's blog.
MOE: He's totes not my type but he also seems sweet and harmless and openminded and uh also in the naval academy!
Do you think John McCain would be a democrat if not for his PTSD?
I guess only GOD can know for sure!!
But we have to read those two fathers books. Yesterday I totally tried to order the McCain one when I was drunk. I hope I failed.
MEGAN: I think he'd probably be more Republican-y if not for the PTSD and opposition to torture and stuff.
MOE" Oh see, that's where Hunter Walker's theory is interesting.
Hunter (in his infinite 22 year old wisdom) thinks that McCain's PTSD is the reason he is such a hawk.
MEGAN" See, if he'd switched from being a Dem or something, I might buy that. But, since his hawkishness survived a POW camp, I'm sticking with his maverickishness comes from the PTSD.

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"Niche" industry. NICE!