John McCain And Colin Powell: The Bromance Is Really Over

Illustration for article titled John McCain And Colin Powell: The Bromance Is Really Over

The end of every relationship has its he-said, he-said moments, like who called who last and who should have told who what. Colin Powell and John McCain are no different, but Racialicious Editrix Latoya Peterson and I try to help by creating a playlist for the former paramours. Our thoughts on that, why we aren't Real Americans, murdered bear cubs with Obama stickers, the fucked-up economy, the Republilove for Obama, fertility dances and where the disaffected Republicans should go after the election since they hate Canada. Oh, and best wishes to the Obama family and his grandmother, Madelyn Dunham, because we're nice like that.MEGAN: I am sitting here watching CNBC and drinking coffee, which I don't normally do. By the way, the economy: still fucked. LATOYA: Lucky you — I'm already in the office. I know the economy is still fucked — why do you think I'm here? I think we need to chill for the long haul on this one. It's gonna be a while, new stimulus package or no. MEGAN: I love, by the way, that John McCain is all like, "Obama just wants to throw money at problems like education and special needs kids!" and in the meantime, he's all Mr. New Spending. And Republicans are shoveling money at the market faster than they shovel bullshit at the American people. LATOYA: Yeah, some free market this is. I didn't know some people got a string to pull if you fucked up. Looks like Bernake's ProBama. MEGAN: This is what happens when you tell reporters that the economy isn't your strong suit and the economy goes to shit. Also, insulting your opponent by calling him a Socialist while the government is busy nationalizing entire industries and you're calling for the government to, in effect, buy the mortgage rights to have the country is not good either. Bob Schieffer knows that most Republicans are privately Pro-bama these days, they're just too scared to say. It's just the mouth-breathers who don't actually have to, like, work in the government that are all like JOHN AND SARAH OH MY GOD I LOVE THEM SO. LATOYA: Details, Megan, Details Is it just me that's hoping for a reverse Bradley effect? MEGAN: If I prayed, I'd pray for one. LATOYA: Don't waste your prayer on that. The specter of election '00 still haunts us. MEGAN: Well, I mean, She's supposedly omnipotent, right? LATOYA: If this comes down to the Supreme Court, I want everyone on this: protest, prayers, fertility dances. I don't give a damn what you do, do it in the Obama direction. MEGAN: I'm up for a fertility dance, even if it means I have to be celibate for a month. LATOYA: Nah, you have to stick with the prayers. We have to counteract the scared evangelicals. MEGAN: Awww, poor babies, once they've denounced him, called him godless, passed around rumors that he's a Muslim and campaigned against him, they're worried he won't talk to them about their conservative, intolerant social agenda? Color me sad. LATOYA: It's only unfair when you're losing. I'm just concerned they'll call up the ghost of Jerry Falwell. MEGAN: Oh, right. I mean, it's his duty to represent all the people in the United States, sort of like it was George Bush's duty. LATOYA: Define "people". Obviously, some of us who aren't here yet count more than those of us who are here, so maybe they just are counting most of us heathens. MEGAN: Well, I think that by "people" they mean "those of them that are saved" and so that's anything that's in our uteri, and (white) evangelicals. Other than that, um, oh, wait, I think Bush had Chalabi's back for a while when he went to invade Iraq. LATOYA: Then again, maybe it isn't the extreme set that we should be worried about. Someone shot a bear cub in the head and dropped some Obama campaign tags over its dead body. Now, there are multiple layers of fucked up in that mix and the story doesn't have many details yet. But that is just sick and disgusting. MEGAN: Also, I think we need an alibi for Sarah Palin. She was just in North Carolina. LATOYA: Ha — you can handle that. I'm watching how Obama is leaving the campaign trail to visit his sick grandma. It's the little things that get to me in this election, it really is. MEGAN: I mean, if they sent her home from the hospital last week, and she's that ill, she's probably in hospice care. LATOYA: Perhaps. I hope she gets well. MEGAN: I hope for his sake that he gets there in time, and that he's taking Sasha and Malia. LATOYA: See, I can't even read a sweet story like that without getting pissed. On one hand you have a family man, someone in a partnership with his wife, a thinking politician, someone who has seen the best and worst of America and wants to serve us anyway... MEGAN: I mean, his spokesman all but said she's not going to get better. It sucks that she won't get to vote for her grandson. And it probably sucks more that if she votes absentee, some Republican will probably object. LATOYA: Sigh. Moving on. Oh, did you hear? We apparently hate real Americans. Because obviously, we are fake Americans. This isn't news to me — we talk about how PoC are marginalized in America all day every day at my spot — but I thought you would want to know. MEGAN: Well, that's good to know, at least. If I'm disenfranchised at the polls in two weeks, at least I'll know why. So, am I to assume there's a new God test for citizenship? Do I have to swear fealty to a particular brand of God to vote? Are they going to make me submit to a lie detector to make sure I really believe in God? LATOYA: Oh, it gets better:

Warming up a crowd in North Carolina Saturday, Republican Rep. Robin Hayes offered the diagnosis that “liberals hate real Americans that work and achieve and believe in God.” His remarks came shortly after he had said he would “make sure we don’t say something stupid, make sure we don’t say something we don’t mean.” Hayes had followed Rep. Patrick McHenry, also a North Carolina Republican, who laid out the choice between McCain and Obama. “It’s like black and white,” yelled someone from the crowd.

You just can't make this shit up. You really can't. MEGAN: I love how that shit is a) not stupid and b) not something he doesn't mean. Really, can we just pick somewhere for them all to go on November 6th? LATOYA: Mars? MEGAN: Perfect! And since it takes 3 years to get there, they won't be back until 2014. I think that's a good plan. LATOYA: We should tell them real Americans set up camp on Mars. MEGAN: No, we should tell them that God has called them to journey there, just like God called Moses to lead the Jews out of Egypt. Charlton Heston already left! Outer space is the new desert. LATOYA: It so is. Mars is red, the Red Sea — we could totally sell this. This is shaping up to be a tough week for McCain. He's running out of cash (down to $47 million!) and he's breaking up with Colin Powell. MEGAN: I'm actually surprised he has $47 million left when he only had $84 to start. But, then I read about Meg Whitman giving almost $100,000 despite donation "limits" that McCain's supposed campaign finance reform put into place and I'm not that surprised anymore. LATOYA: I would say something about saving and fiscal responsibility, but it just looks like creative loopholing. I find it interesting that McCain is shocked Colin Powell didn't call. MEGAN: I mean, why does no one but me point out that McCain wrote the loopholes? LATOYA: Makes sense though. That's how he knows what to use. I'm still on the McCain/Powell break up. Maybe Powell didn't feel like being called Judas. That title was already flexed on Gov. Richardson. Or maybe Sarah drove a rift in their relationship. Hmmm... MEGAN: Given how leaky McCain's organization is — as evidenced by no less than 3 staffers telling CNN they're giving up on Colorado — I'm not totally surprised. Plus, when do you think the last time was that McCain called him up? With all the whispers for weeks that Powell was thinking about breaking it off, why wouldn't John call him and be like, Colin, baby, I'm sorry, I've been really busy, let me buy you a drink when this is all over...? Especially since they weren't in an exclusive relationship. LATOYA: Does Colin Powell have a Facebook page? Maybe John should have checked their status. Telephone is so pre-2000. Maybe Colin sent him a "TTYL" and he just stopped paying attention. I guess after 25 years, the thrill is gone. It's the end of a bromance. We should send him a CD. Or at least email Meghan McCain, have her post "How Come You Don't Call Me" in his honor MEGAN: Powell's all about "You Don't Own Me." LATOYA: LOL — "Don't tell me what to say!" MEGAN: "Don't say I can't go with other boys!" LATOYA: "Just let me be myself...that's all I ask of you!" MEGAN: In my head, Colin Powell is, crying, singing this into his hairbrush like Bridget Jones, slightly drunk. LATOYA: "I'm free — and I love to be free!" See, now that's going to be stuck in my head all day! MEGAN: I'm a terrible person, I apologize.

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So. I'm confused. Do I live in Real America or fake America? I can't even tell anymore. I mean, I live in Georgia, which is a good ol' wholesome red state chock full o' good ol' boys voting for the white guy and the nice lady. But, I live in Atlanta, bastion of liberalism and urban liberal elitists. What does that make us, Sarah Palin? Huh?