Jezebel's Definitive Ranking of Girl Scout Cookies, Corrected

Every day, someone somewhere makes a mistake. Some are big, some are small, but most are easily remedied by owning up to one’s transgression and expressing humility, an elusive trait that most lack. It’s not easy, but those truly capable of humility are the ones that will persevere.

In 2015, Jezebel published a “Definitive Ranking of Girl Scout Cookies” that, upon further examination, is woefully incorrect. Admitting that we were wrong isn’t brave; it’s just a part of being a human. After much discussion amongst the staff and a gimlet-eyed reassessment of the current Girl Scout Cookie offerings, we’d like to issue a much-needed correction.

Former Jezebel managing editor Erin Gloria Ryan declared, erroneously, in February 2015 that Thin Mints are definitively the best Girl Scout cookie—an opinion held by many but one that is desperately wrongheaded. A brief peruse of the current offerings from the Girl Scouts of America reveals that the Scouts have simplified, making this ranking that much easier.

Here we go!!

10. Trios

I’m sorry for those who are gluten-free, gluten-intolerant, gluten-sensitive, or observing a diet that restricts you in other ways of joy or laughter—these gluten free peanut butter oatmeal cookies are a no.

9. Toffee-tastic

Toffee cookies—not bad. Gluten-free toffee cookie-probably not as bad. Fine.

8. Savannah Smiles

Lemon desserts are divisive and can often taste like Pledge. These are dusty confections that taste not like a lemon—tangy and zippy and full of life—but like a lemon fart. A Savannah Smile isn’t a cookie—it’s the calling card of a Southern serial killer, a Chelsea smile, but more genteel. Pass.

7. Do-si-dos

The only oatmeal sandwich cookie I recognize is a Lil’ Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pie, so these cookies can take a seat.

6. Girl Scout S’mores

There are two varietals of this new cookie, one baked by the ABC Bakers and the other by Little Brownie Bakers. The latter beats the former thanks to its inclusion of marshmallow, but neither is a fair substitute for an actual S’more.

5. Lemonades

If you have some sort of Girl Scout cookie minimum to meet and the girls in question are sold out of every other cookie you’d consider eating, get these.

4. Trefoils

Shortbread—it’s a good cookie. Butter, sugar, eggs. No frills. Nothing fancy. Just a cookie that goes well with tea, with coffee, with lemonade. A nice cookie. Little precious. Yes.

3. Thin Mints

Chocolate, mint, crumbly cookie. Good in the freezer but fresh out the box….eh. People love Thin Mints and will evangelize them to the ends of the earth but you know what? There are other mint chocolate dessert items out there that are just as good, if not better, than a goddamned Thin Mint. Entertain the idea of an Andes Mint, if you desire the refreshing sweetness of a mint-choco combo. Try a Grasshopper. Eat a Peppermint Patty in tiny, exacting bites, like a hamster would a sunflower seed. You can have a Thin Mint if you must, but please understand that their rightful place in Girl Scout cookie canon is not at the top of the list!

2. Tagalongs

Fuck me up with these peanut butter patty chocolate covered cookie things, because, honestly, they are magic. Peanut butter and chocolate is not new, but in a Tagalong, the combination is near perfection. How does the peanut butter stay fluid inside its chocolate shell? How does the cookie not lose structural integrity? Never tell me. Leave me in the dark with these cookies and close the door.

1. Samoas

One could make a passable facsimile of a Samoa at home using the bajillion recipes available on the internet for that very purpose. That’s not the point—or maybe it is? I don’t know! What I do know is that the $5 you spend on a box of Samoas is a decision that you will never regret.