Jessica Simpson And John Mayer Are So Built To Last

Illustration for article titled Jessica Simpson And John Mayer Are So Built To Last

From this week's US Weekly story about Jessica Simpson and John Mayer, page 70:

And so begins another perplexing chapter in their hot-and-cold romance.

We are so not perplexed! Last week, we read all about how John had found some picture of Jess from a magazine, like six months earlier or something, and said — wait for it! — "When was that?" Doh! She responded by — well, probably not by going down on him! And then, because you can never be subtle enough when it comes to reminding a guy where his vagina is coming from, she did that whole morphing-into-Jessica-Rabbit at the Costume Institute, which was clearly a direct response to that time when he bought her a thesaurus as a present and told her she should know more words.


Ok, then, they break up. And Jessica almost cancels a photo shoot for Self. But then doesn't, because, yippee, he wants her back! She is so delighted she subjects everyone at the photo shoot to listening "Your Body Is A Wonderland" nineteen thousand times in a row and they go do it at the Soho Grand. Also: she announces plans to publish a book — inspired by their affairs? — of "melancholy photographs" (Ha ha! She said "melon.") But then!Jessica hears some troubling things about stuff he said on amateur night at the Comedy Cellar! About being a single guy and a bachelor and, who knows, maybe some reference to a Will Ferrell movie! So now he is in the doghouse again. Which is why we're sorry, Us Weekly, but we're gonna have to go with InTouch's assessment this week:
Why he's not sure:
REASON 1 She gets too much attention.
Why he loves Jessica:
REASON 1 She's hot!
Why he's not sure:
REASON 2 He's not ready to settle down.
Why he loves Jessica:
REASON 2 She's hot!
Why he's not sure:
REASON 3 He's moody
Why he loves Jessica:
REASON 3 And did we mention, she's hot!

Is there anything about this relationship that anyone did not witness, like, six hundred times over the course of four years of high school? Besides the fact that it involves, you know, a millionaire divorcee?

Why Jessica And John Can't Let Go [USWeekly]


Bitter Poor

I'm going to go with the not real camp, or at least say that I think she's had "assistance" with them.

As someone who is naturally endowed, lemme tell you, after you hit a C cup, they just aren't that bouncy and taut anymore. You can work out all you want, but boobs are, after all, just fat and skin. Gravity + dead weight = flop.