The noted tabloid duality of Jennifer Aniston—beautiful, charismatic millionaire actress or SAD CRONE FISHWIFE FROM THE LAND OF THE UNLOVED WOMEN?!!!—finally comes to an end soon because she's planning her wedding to Justin Theroux. Yes, folks, the dude who was on one episode of Sex and The City as a premature ejaculator gets to Define Jennifer Aniston's Womanity.
Apparently the wedding will take place soon after she completes her current film in Connecticut, The Untitled Elmore Leonard Project, and:
...she has already checked off some major tasks on her to-do list, including choosing wedding bands, setting a date and narrowing down dresses.
Haha, guys, the ring, though! Does anybody actually want that kind of schmaltzy mall-quarter-machine shit or are engagement rings basically just the carat version of a big dick competition? At least now we know what kind of Hollywood extra work the iceberg from Titanic is doing these days. [People]
Holy fuck, Carrie Fisher:
Video footage surfaced of the performance — which took place last week on board the Holland America Eurodam in the Caribbean — showing Carrie slurring a couple off-key songs. Her dog even POOPS AND PEES on the stage while she's singing. It's pretty nuts.
There were reports Carrie — who was featured on the cruise as a "surprise" celebrity guest — was wasted at the time of the show ... but her rep says the on-stage breakdown was caused by Fisher's bipolar disorder.
The rep says, "There was a medical incident related to Carrie Fisher's bipolar disorder. She went to the hospital briefly to adjust her medication and is feeling much better now."
Christ, I am a huge Postcards From The Edge fan, so I have nothing to say about this but try not to drink on your meds? ._. [TMZ]
A newly clean Billie Joe Armstrong talks about his decision to enter rehab after his disastrous "I'm not Justin Bieber, motherfuckers" tirade at the IHeartRadio festival:
"I couldn't predict where I was going to end up at the end of the night. I'd wake up in a strange house on a couch. I wouldn't remember how. It was a complete blackout." [...] "I remember tiny things. [...] The next morning, I woke up. I asked [my wife] Adrienne, 'How bad was it?' She said, 'It's bad.' I called my manager. He said, 'You're getting on a plane, going back to Oakland and going into rehab immediately."
He also thanks his fans for their support during this time. [MTV]
After three years as a public couple, Rachel McAdams and her Midnight In Paris co-star/boyfriend Michael Sheen broke up. It seems pretty amicable, but McAdams is really good at keeping her shit private. (That would be our definition of private, not, say, Kim Kardashian's version of private. She'll be fine. [Us Weekly]
You guys feel like chewing on some ridiculous bullshit gossip-cud this morning? HOTEP! Apparently Liam Hemsworth cheated on Miley Cyrus with January Jones at a pre-Oscar party.
"It looked like they had some hot chemistry," an eyewitness at the event tells Star. "They were all over each other – and they even kissed!"
Wow, you really convinced me with the phrase "hot chemistry!" (Also, the item refers to Jones as "the scandalous single mother." Puke-die-puke-die.) [Radar Online]
In Scotland, hypersexualized One Direction Sour Patch Kid Harry Styles got hit in the nuts with a shoe onstage and collapsed in pain. There is video. [E!]
Mary-Louise Parker may have angrily called a New York antiques dealer a "fag." Fuck, dude, I expected better from her. [Radar Online]
Sorry: Tina Fey doesn't want to host the Oscars, ever. [Salon]
Seth MacFarlane won't be hosting the Oscars again, he says. Now that we've metaphorically seen his boobs, we never need to again? And that's all there is. [Twitter]
Lindsay Lohan drinks, drives. WHAAAT? JK. [TMZ]
She's gonna get some psychotherapy. [E!]
Human labia-face Steven Tyler made out with 22-year-old actress Levin Rambin. [NYDN]
Child endangerment charges against "Tanning Mom" Patricia Krentcil for forcing her 5-year-old daughter into a tanning bed were dropped. [TMZ]
You guys, Styx has massive a lawsuit against record companies. Tell your Styx-fan stepdad. It will give you something to talk about. [TMZ]
Kristen Bell had a baby shower and it was as cute as you think. [Us Weekly]
Kim Kardashian blogged about maternity jeans. [Us Weekly]
Matt Damon and wife Luciana are having a belated wedding celebration after their super-low-key ceremony in Manhattan. You're still not invited though, probably. [Page Six]
Yo, Kirsten Dunst kind of sucks:
Dunst was overheard complaining that she had to travel in business instead of first class, spies said, and also about the designer clothes she'd have to wear.
[Page Six]
Paris Jackson's got some new rebellious bling. [Radar Online]
In which Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr talk about dancing with their kid in an attempt to put adorable-blinders over the fact that their marriage may be failing because derrrrrrp. [Page Six]
Anne Hathaway says it upsets her when people call her a histrionic drama club president. Look, you do your job, I'll do mine, Hathaway. [Page Six]
Blake Fielder-Civil wishes he hadn't let Amy Winehouse do heroin. [Contact Music]
Jennifer Lawrence's clothes from Silver Linings Playbook are up for auction for a grazillion dollars if you want some tracksuits. [Ace Showbiz]
Bobby Brown was sentenced to 55 days in the clink for a DUI. [People]
It's possible that drugs influenced the suicide of country singer Mindy McCready. [Radar]
Realllllly starting to tire of Leonardo DiCaprio's aimless hedonistic Marcello-in-La Dolce Vita phase now. [NYDN]
Kate Middleton walked her dog. I'm pooping. I'm pooping. [Hello! Magazine]
Justin Bieber went out with a girl named Ella-Paige Roberts-Clarke Hyphenate-Parade. [Hollywood Life]
Apropos of nothing, last night I had a really tender drunk dream about hooking up with Jack White and then, like, actually being in mutual love with Jack White and very happy? So if you need me today, I'll be watching American Pickers in my pajamas and trying to shake that off.