If it's Wednesday, it must be Midweek Madness, in which round up the newest celebrity weeklies and give 'em the once over so that you can save your hard-earned money on things like, you know, stock in News Corp.! This week, the weeklies are all about love, love, breaking free, and, well, hate. After the jump — and with the invaluable help of Intern Maria — we present the play-by-play of this week's celebrity clusterfuck.
- Cover Story: Brad Breaks Free of Angelina (pages 36-39). Basically, Brad went for a motorcycle ride. In Touch makes a big deal of his "solo road trip," but how the hell do you get a wife and four kids on the back of a bike anyway? So. "He drove 175 miles to have dinner!" the mag screams. Because, okay, dinner was in Berlin and he's living in Prague right now. It does seem a little extreme to travel for six hours. To eat with architects. Hmm. "He seemed miserable," says a witness. In Touch asks, "Does he miss his old life?" and then shows old pictures of Brad supposedly happier days: Smoking, out with Jennifer Aniston, laughing with George Clooney and filming a Japanese commercial. They also point out that Angelina has never had a relationship that lasted more than 3 years, and she and Brad have been together for 2 years and 3 months. Uh-oh!
- The Truth About Rachel Ray's Marriage (pages 26-27). The truth is, we could care less!
- Lindsay proves she's off the booze (pages 40-41). But she loves Red Bull and hiding her cigarettes under the table!
- There are lots of pix of Jerry O'Connell and Rebecca Romijn's wedding (pages 44-45), which looks like it was quite nice, except for the fact that a helicopter was flying over, taking lots of, uh, pix.
- A story on the Beckham invasion (pages 56-57), with a "we love them, we love them not" checklist. One of the reasons America doesn't like Posh and Becks? "We don't like soccer."
- Nicole Richie and Hilary Duff had a "showdown" at the Chateau Marmont, which consisted of each girl ignoring the other. Um, that's not a showdown, that's a normal day to any woman who runs into their ex's new chick.
- Cute pictures of Suri Cruise (pages 68-69). Operation She's Not Adopted Or An Alien She's So Normal in full effect!
- Hollywood's Biggest Beach Bums! (pages 76-77). Pictures of people on the beach. Spencer and Heidi, LinLo, Paris, etc. Matthew McConaughey is number one.
Life & Style
- Cover story: I Hate You, Mama! (pages 26-31). Britney doesn't trust her mom, but "insiders" say she should take a look at herself. Oh, snap! A source says Justin Timberlake's mom is trying to "heal the rift." Sigh.
- There's a headline that says "Good thing she got that boob job!" on a picture of Heidi Montag (page 15), referring to the fact that she can now model swimsuits. WTF.
- Posh says "I'm just a normal girl!" (pages 32-33). Yeah, sure. She also says she has no interest in reviving her singing career and says there will never be another Spice Girls movie. "Did you see Spice World?" she asks. "Besides, I don't think I'm that good an actress." How refreshingly honest!
- There's an item trying to link Lindsay Lohan to that Criss Angel MindFreak Guy, but we've seen him standing next to a lot of people lately (page 39).
- Nicole Richie plans to avoid jail, blahblahblah, heard that before! (Pages 40-41.)
- Cover story: Brad Still Loves You! (pages 42-43) This is a crappy, one page of text piece about how Brad's mom told Jennifer Aniston, "Brad still loves you." Star spins it as the mom wanting Jen to know Brad's not heartless. We think it was probably one of those, "he loves you but he's not in love with you" things.
- Demi Moore's future ex sister-in-law tells Demi to stay away from her babies because she's afraid Demi's trying to steal the kids. It's a Star exclusive, by the way! (Pages 36-39.)
- Lindsay: Drinking and Drugs in Rehab! (Pages 44-47.) Star claims that people are combining whippits with cold medicine to get high in rehab. Apparently counselors at Promises found this stuff in LinLo's bed. Sources say she's a "master of manipulation" who is lying about being sober. Scandalous!
- Inside the Brit vs. Mom: Angry Slapdown (page 48-50) story, there's a juicy sidebar about Brit's Manny. (Headline: 'They're Sooo Not Dating!') Apparently he's a man of many talents! "He's a triathlete, a surfer, and an incredible woodworker," says a friend. "He once crafted a line of artistic, erotic, wooden pieces - including a set of beautiful 'love paddles' - that could be used in lovemaking" Um, splinters, hello?
- Cover Story: Why They Can't Find Love (pages 54-61.) This story goes on forever and will make anyone feel bad about herself. Us says that for some celebs, "finding a great guy is harder than fitting into a those size 0 J-brand jeans." They list six reasons why amazing single girls can't find love (men are intimidated, the dating pool is too small, Hollywood is narcissistic, etc.). Then there's a handy chart of "hot ladies" - in their 20s, 30s and 40s - everyone from Lindsay Lohan to Kathy Griffin - who are stunningly single. If Penelope Cruz and Kerry Washington can't find guys, what hope is there for the rest of us? Time for a good cry!
- Nicole & Joel: She's Like A Groupie! (Page 45.) She loves her rocker so much she's staying in budget hotels with him while he tours, you guys. This is serious.
- Britney Asks To Be A Waitress (pages 64-67). She likes the uniforms at Les Deux, so, naturally, she wants to work there! She's trying to schedule it around her kids. This is not a joke.
- Get Your Guy In Shape (pages 72-74). Usually these magazines highlight women with weight issues - finally, some flabby fellas! Nick Carter, Joey Fatone, Robert Iler, and Jay-Z have all slimmed down. Good for them! We need a snack.