January Cosmo Knows What You Did Last Night

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They know when you've been naughty, they know when you've been nice. No, not Santa and his elves — Cosmo's Bedside Astrologers! They have extremely specific knowledge of what you and your partner are doing in bed. For instance, if you're a Pisces and he (although January Cosmo does include an article on a rare breed known as the "lesbian," their astrologers are only concerned with heteros) is a Gemini, then he enjoys "lying perpendicular to your body while giving you oral." But if you're a Sagittarius and he's a Scorpio, he's probably "pressing a vibrator against your va-jay-jay" this very second. None can hide from Cosmo — not you, not your man, not your va-jay-jay. More of the magazine's wisdom, after the jump.

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DISCUSSION

By
Erin Gloria Ryan

If you are a Leo and your man is a Taurus, you met him by responding to a Craigslist ad posted by your man seeking a woman who would dress him like a doll and have a sexy tea party with him while burning the soles of his feet with a pan full of tarts fresh out of the oven.

If you are a Pisces and your man is a Libra, you are a life sized doll that he has convinced himself is real.

If you are a Virgo and he is a Capricorn, once when you were having sex, he tried to slip it in the back door, but you got really mad and told him that you didn't want to have anal sex, and then he said that if you loved him, you'd try anal. Next month, you will catch him in bed with your ex boyfriend.

If you are a Cancer and he is a Scorpio, you're both virgins.