Hello, fellow humans! I am writing to you from inside the world of Jennifer Lopez’s All I Have Las Vegas show—a rhinestone-studded utopia filled with hoverboards, glittering 6 trains, and wonder!
No, I have not seen All I Have for myself, and no, am I not currently in Las Vegas. But I yearn to be there right now so much, guys. I yearn for it so much that I am actually using the world “yearn.”
Earlier today, Lopez tweeted a clip from her Las Vegas show featuring a fleet of backup dancers flitting about onstage on hoverboards. Did I mention they were riding these boards around J.Lo herself singing her classic 2001 hit “Love Don’t Cost a Thing”? Did I also mention that they were decked out in glittering silver blazers, carrying trays with bedazzled hearts on top? Or that Jenny from the Block was wearing what I think is a lavaliere, but one that covers her entire body? Well then.
This hasn’t been the first time hoverboards—which have been banned everywhere from public transit in major cities to most sidewalks—have been spotted in J.Lo’s act. During a live review back in January, Billboard mentioned the the use of the self-balancing scooters in the same routine:
Following the feathery and sparkly opening number, Lopez had a modern trick up her sleeve for “Love Don’t Cost a Thing,” as her male dancers rolled out on hoverboards, presenting her with sequined roses. As Lopez climbed up the mirrored staircase at center stage surrounded by gentleman callers, it was very reminiscent of Madonna’s “Material Girl” music video (you know, aside from the hoverboards).
Dear God, what times we live in. Times that make me want to inexplicably ride a device that was declared extremely unsafe by the Consumer Product Safety Commission all the more badly. Indeed: I will ride my death machine, federal government agencies be damned!
While there is no mention of the two-wheelers in the following passage, everyone must read it for good and obvious reasons:
When a bedazzled 6 Train rolled out, it was clearly time for the Bronx portion of Lopez’s walk down memory lane. How could she prove just how real she still is, even after all the international fame? By performing “I’m Real,” of course, with special guest Ja Rule joining her as the night’s first special guest. She transitioned to “Feelin’ So Good” and then her signature “Jenny From the Block,” rocking a sequin pink Yankees cap that she gifted to a lucky New Yorker in the crowd.
If you would like to reach me from here on out, my P.O. box is the one right next to Ja Rule’s.
Contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Image via Getty.