J. Crew's Slightly Crappy Christmas

Oh J. Crew. I don’t understand you. Sometimes you know exactly what I want. Often it’s like you’ve read my mind. But the drab duds you’re hocking for holiday? Sigh. Looks like it’s the least wonderful time of the year.

Let’s blame Jenna. Her picks are okay… but mot great. That champagne-colored lace-trimmed shell on the far left is pretty, although $98? Ouch. The “Glitterati Party Clutch” ($59.50) does seem like a good present — one size fits all, sparkly, fun. But no one, no one is giving that $228 Buffalo Check Jacket as a gift. No one. And while a four-pack of Essie polish ($20) is a fun idea, it seems like a better idea to just give a manicure gift certificate.

Love the vivacious energy here. Too bad it doesn’t last.

Oh, look. The $228 Buffalo check jacket. Because what every lady wants for Christmas is to look like she’s the founding member of the Paul Bunyan fan club. The jacket does look pretty cute the way it’s styled here… The Apogee necklace ($118) helps. A lot.

That’s more like it! Sparkle, shine, party, fun. Soliel bracelet, $58; crystal grid cuff, $118; Isis bangle, $78. Not included: Someone to fix your cashmere sweater when one of these pulls a loop of thread out.

Four tops, four kinds of holiday parties: The fancy work thing on the upper left; the casual family thing on the upper right; the late-night boozy egg-nog thing on the lower right, and the intimate pajama party thing on the lower left.

The Lisette lace shell looks even better in black than in champagne, and if you want to wear it with a $49.50 poly/cotton/rayon fleece “un-sweatpant” and a $49.50 wool/nylon/arcylic scarf, well, that’s your prerogative.

Nothing in this catalog has really got me excited, but I do love pajamas. And good pjs are actually kind of expensive, so $85 for these cotton flannel jammies isn’t so bad.

Did you just do a double take? This is not Leighton Meester. Although that is a Blair Waldorfian ensemble. What’s strange is that the cashmere twinset comes in gorgeous colors and the double-serge pencil skirt comes in gorgeous colors, but they shot two meh hues. Actually, the gray is okay, it’s that “bronzed ochre” — aka infant poo — that I have real issues with.

Seriously, the colors here are puke, blood, shit and mucus.

Sad model is sad. Maybe because she’s wearing pondscummy mold colors.

Sometimes guys are hard to shop for. But what dude would get psyched about a $60 anchor paperweight? Or one singular $85 striped nautical tee? Your best option here is a pair of socks, at a whopping $32 each.

Uh… What was I saying?

J. Crew [Official Site]

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