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It's Time to Get Rick Santorum a Uterus of His Very Own

Illustration for article titled Its Time to Get Rick Santorum a Uterus of His Very Own

Monday marks the first full day of the 40th year of Roe v. Wade, but the 53rd year, 8th month, and 14th day that Republican Presidential candidate Rick Santorum has existed on this planet without a uterus of his very own. With a public empathetic to poor Rick's plight, advanced medical science, and your generosity, we will turn the tide for Rick and give him the uterus he so desperately wants.

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Rick wants to believe that every uterus is his business, but, in his heart of hearts, he knows that he has no uterus that truly belongs to him. I know that if perhaps he had one to look after and name and teach tricks, he'd probably back off of mine and yours, enthralled with the joys of menstruation, bloating, possible monthly pregnancy, and, later on in life, ladycancers. Even though his Creator cruelly deprived Rick Santorum of a uterus by design, He would not have given human beings brains capable of discovering the wonders of medicine if He did not want us to implant a uterus in Rick Santorum.

This anniversary of Roe v. Wade is both a day to celebrate freedom for the 100 million or so women of childbearing age in the US who have the choice of if, when, and how they'd like to become mothers, but it's also a day of sadness and for papers to publish intellectually incoherent op-eds for men like Rick Santorum who, more than anything, would like to force women to carry all pregnancies to term, regardless of the circumstances of conception and at the risk of severely mentally or physically injuring the woman carrying the pregnancy. It's a day of mourning for the uterus that never was.

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Rick Santorum states explicitly, "I have learned lessons about the value of all life from my children. I grieve for the children lost and for the mothers who have been deceived by a society selling selfishness. I am thankful for the faithful workers around the country who serve at pro-life pregnancy centers providing women honest information and additional choices."

His Wall Street Journal op-ed is clear. His biology is inconvenient.

Rick Santorum has shown the American people time and time again that he's the most anti-abortion of all the candidates, that more than anything, he wishes to have a uterus inside of him, so he can put a baby in it. And now, I'm appealing to you, American people. Let's give Rick Santorum all the uterine delights that most women casually take for granted.

I'm imploring all of you to consider making a small donation to the Rick Santorum campaign today, so that we can help make Rick's dream of owning a uterus a reality. If you can't afford to donate a uterus, look inside your heart and consider donating something smaller, to help Rick care for his new friend.

1 Tampon will provide protection from three to seven hours of menstruation
1 Pad will provide Rick's new uterus with less invasive protection and overnight protection
1 Pregnancy test will let Rick know when his uterus is pregnant
1 Pack of Plan B will give Rick the opportunity to flush it down the toilet while crying "No! No! I'm going to have your baby!"
1 IUD will give Rick the opportunity to pretend that it's a Jaws Harp before throwing it away
$500 to $3000 will cover the cost of delivery for Rick's uterus's baby

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On this day after the anniversary of Roe v. Wade, I call for you, America, to respect the rights of the man born without a uterus to have one of his own to manage. Donations can be sent to Rick Santorum's Florida campaign headquarters.

1680 Fruitville Road
Suite 102
Sarasota, FL 34236

Thank you, and God bless Rick Santorum's new uterus.

My Fight for Life [WSJ]

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(AP) After losing the South Carolina GOP primary Saturday, former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney returned to Winterfell, where his bannermen immediately proclaimed him "King Of The North."

"It is time to stop pretending there is a fair and equal electoral competition going on," Romney said. "The system has been corrupted by Lannister gold, the far right Stone Crow movement and the troubling new God Mr. Gingrich has embraced. Winter is coming and my place is in the North."

Romney was referring to former house speaker Newt "Stannis" Gingrich's sudden conversion, at the insistence of his wife, to the monotheism practiced by the Red Priests.

New polls show that with Romney out of the running Tywin Lannister, Lord of Casterly Rock, Shield of Lannisport and Warden of the West, is now coming in a close second to Mr Gringrich in upcoming primary votes.

"What Mr. Romney has done is nothing short of treason," Lannister said at a hastily organized press conference. "Seceding the North from the Union cannot and will not be tolerated. Mr. Gingrich and I have both sent bannermen toward Winterfell and we trust they will soon return with his head on a pike."

Political analysts said that Lannister and Gingrich may have trouble stopping Mitt's Rebellion. They noted that former candidate Khal Drogo has been looting and burning New Hampshire since his loss in that state's primary.

"I don't see any way for Newt or Tywin's bannermen to get through New Hamshire alive, to be honest," said MSNBC pundit Rachel Maddow. "They would be better off waiting for winter to come so they can eventually starve out Romney and his followers. I honestly can't see the people of the North giving up the Seven Gods in exchange for Mitt's one god for any long period of time."

Gingrich, meanwhile, was said to be celebrating his South Carolina victory in private with his wife and their spiritual counsel.

"It is time for Mr. Gingrich and his wife to stare in the fire and map out their future," said his principle adviser Davos Seaworth. "In the days ahead the voters will learn to embrace the new true god or burn here on earth."