It's Monday evening, so let's all turn down the light and settle in for another installment of "What the Fuck Are The Kardashions On?" This week, I'm guessing they're on some kind of hallucinogen, because there's absolutely no reason Kim and Kris should be fighting over Fiestaware unless they've somehow eaten some poisonous mushrooms and forgotten how rich they are.
TMZ (home of everything Kardashian on the internet) has revealed that this season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians has been so heavily scripted that even the stars themselves have just given up and are going with it, tossing rocks at each other and screaming such lines as "I give you life and you take my cookware!" like they actually mean it and can't just stroll down to the nearest K-Mart or Neiman Marcus for more.
Here's TMZ with all the juicy details of what's about to happen:
Production sources tell TMZ ... there's a very detailed outline of scenes for season 10 of "Keeping Up with the Kardashians." In one scene, after Kim and Kanye move into their new home, Kim goes back to Kris' home and takes a bunch of cookware and silverware.
When Kris realizes it, she storms over to Kim's house to confront her, and through a crack in the door Kris screams, "I gave you life and you stole my cookware!" Kim fires back that if Kris doesn't back off she'll have her removed from the premises.
So Kris does what any mother (mine) would do: She picks up a rock and throws it, breaking a window.
I don't get it, do Kris and Kim expect us to believe that anything on this show is real or do they understand that the people watching it know it's as fake as professional wrestling (which I will have you know I only watched because I didn't have the internet as a teen, not because I enjoyed it!)? What's going to happen next season? Will they move into PBS' Frontier House and pretend that's just how they live? Will we get to see Kim Kardashian crossing The Oregon Trail? Actually, that would be kind of worth it. I'd like to see someone actually finish that thing. I always died of dysentery. [TMZ]
Benji Madden had Cameron Diaz's name tattooed across his chest and posted it on Instagram. That's nice, but if I were Cameron, I would have demanded he get a tattoo in a more painful place, such as the back of the knee or the inner thigh. Otherwise, it's just kind of empty sentiment, right? Check out this nifty graphic I found on Yahoo Answers which will tell you where a tattoo will mean "I would suffer for you" and where it just means " I had $400 and a few hours to kill."
Madden's fans are happy for him, but also understandably broken over the fact that their thousands of messages begging him for follows didn't result in a marriage proposal. "My heart just shattered," wrote Hissubarbgurl89. "i am so glad you found love but wish it was with me." [People]
- Jeremy Renner's divorce is complicated. [TMZ]
- Dakota Johnson is now single because her ex, singer/model Matthew Hitt didn't want to be "part of that life" now that Johnson is a huge star and he can no longer tell people he is ironically dating Don Johnson's daughter. Also: This weekend I discovered that Dakota is not, in fact, related to Hoku — their dads just both happen to be named Don. [The Hollywood Gossip]
- Hoku isn't making music any more, so I'm a little sad. [Bustle]
- Tina Brown, the aunt of Bobbi Kristina, was rushed to the hospital when she suffered heart attack-like symptoms. [Radar]
- Michael Keaton is ready for them dollar dollar bills. (I didn't pull that off, did I?) [Page Six]
- This weekend, my partner suggested that he might like to have a "Parisian Carnival" themed wedding, prompting me to hurl myself through a double-pane window. I am currently in critical condition. (He also wants a harpist who will play Lady Gaga.)
- Michael Phelps is engaged! A blessing on his head (mazel tov, mazel tov!) [I'm Not Obsessed]
- Jack Osbourne and his wife, Lisa Stelly, are expecting a second child! [NYDN]
- Ben Woolf, known primarily for his work as Meep on American Horror Story, has died. Woolf was hit by a passing car late last week. His family is grateful for the love and support fans have given them and have confirmed that Woolf's organs will be donated, allowing him to help approximately 50 people. [TMZ]
- Rooney Mara is sure that a Dragon Tattoo sequel will not be happening. Somewhere, Kate Mara is gleefully throwing her head back in laughter. [E!]
It's Monday night! Wear your pants TIGHT!
Image via Getty