It's a New Year! How's Your Head?

Good morning, little buddy! How ya feeling? If you celebrated the new year with most of America’s drunkards, you probably feel like vommy, achy, swoony garbage. But why? What’s happening to you? And what do you do now?

Well, here’s an explanation of precisely why your body is currently telling you to go fuck yourself, from my favorite doctor-scientist:

Alcohol strips the body of water and salts, mostly by aggravating the kidneys. The stomach also doesn’t take kindly to being pickled. The liver, furiously busy trying to process away the alcohol, doesn’t have as much time to maintain blood sugar. All of these things contribute to the misery, but the way we get rid of alcohol is the real culprit. Your body quickly turns the alcohol (relatively harmless itself) into aldehyde-not so harmless, the same chemical family used to preserve dead bodies-and only slowly turns the aldehyde into really harmless acid. It’s not the wisest process. Make the poison quickly; get rid of it slowly. Thanks, intelligent designer!

What is a committed drinker to do? Fluids. Convince a doctor or nurse friend to give you an IV. If your salvation must be by mouth, water alone won’t cut it. Drink a liter of Pedialyte-find it in the infant section, used to treat children with massive diarrhea-or make Pedialyte yourself (eight teaspoons of table sugar, one teaspoon of salt, and a splash of orange juice in a quart of water), and you’ll be happier in the morning. It works for cholera victims and it can work for you. If you find yourself getting hangovers regularly, it’s time to think about cutting back on the drinking.

And while you work on becoming a human again, you may as well embrace the hangover’s three lonely upsides:

1. Watching a full season of television in bed in a day. (Recommended: Loooooofaaaaahhhh!)
2. The part when you finally finally finally finally don’t feel nauseated anymore and the world’s most satisfying CHINESE FOOD or PIZZA HAPPENS.
3. Hangover Sprite!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously, it’s like you can feel it mixing with your blood.

So good luck today, kiddos. And if you’re still feeling like living death tomorrow, there’s always dried bull penis (also call 911 maybe?).