Every single day (maybe even every hour!) strange bits of Internet drift across the Jezebel transom, forcing us to ask ourselves: Real or fake? Unbelievable true story, or rank bullshit? This is such a common question in this office that today we find ourselves asking: What's weirder, some real-deal crazy Craiglist post, or the fact that writing fake Craigslist/Reddit/imgur/Facebook/Twitter posts has become so common it's practically a popular American hobby?
Take this Craigslist post, titled: "Dad, please stop posting on here. You are married to Mom." In it, "Jimmy" calls out his married father for constantly submitting Missed Connections like "Hot Ass Cop Lady At CUBS game" and "Latina girl at charity event who wants the D." After a recent trip to Home Depot, he writes, "Deep inside my soul, I knew the time was right to throw a little sunlight on your conduct, that being your attempts to cheat on Mom repeatedly throughout each and every week..."
It's bananas, and I'm inclined to say it's fake. Take this bit:
A few friends of mine pointed out to me long ago that they thought they recognized your writing on here and the full name you signed off your posts with. And then I verified it myself just after you and I took a trip to Home Depot the other day. Yep, sure enough an hour after we got home I came across a newly posted missed connection written by you for a, 'Hot Ass Mexican Cashier That Needs A Spankin'.
How many of this fella's friends are regularly cruising Missed Connections? And what about his father's writing style is so distinctive that "a few friends" can recognize it? Not to mention the whole thing is suspiciously on-the-nose.
But if the post is fake, in a way, it's almost crazier than some dude confronting his hormone-addled father on Craiglist. Who sits down to write something like this? Is this just a totally normal hobby now? Do people just, like, hang around their houses writing fake Craiglist posts for fun? I suppose the payoff, attention-wise, for a well-crafted falsehood is pretty major these days, but why spend your time on this?
If it's real, though — my condolences on your dad being mad sketch.
Anywhere, here's the post in its entirety; judge for yourself.
Ok Dad,
Here we are, mono y mono.
That's French for something but you wouldn't know that cause you're an idiot apparently.
A few friends of mine pointed out to me long ago that they thought they recognized your writing on here and the full name you signed off your posts with. And then I verified it myself just after you and I took a trip to Home Depot the other day. Yep, sure enough an hour after we got home I came across a newly posted missed connection written by you for a, 'Hot Ass Mexican Cashier That Needs A Spankin'.
I'm guessing she didn't write did she? Of course she didn't, Dad. You weigh 250 pounds and refuse to come to grips with your comb over. I hate that I have to go there with you, but you don't have an 'enlarged forehead due to an elevated brain metabolism'.
That's a god damn lie and you know it.
Regarding our Home Depot trip, all I wanted was for us to go there on my birthday because that's where you usually go on Sundays. All I wanted was to share that experience with you and have you teach me some stuff about tools and what not. And I'll admit, right off the bat I got the feeling you didn't even want me to go just after we got in your car and you informed me, 'I really don't want you to come here with me'.
You then pushed 5 bucks in my front tshirt pocket and told me to go buy some ice cream and to not be gay and tell Mom this trip was a bust. 'Oh great, look if you are gonna cry then fine we will go. Stop being a bitch, Jesus Ef...'
Deep inside my soul, I knew the time was right to throw a little sunlight on your conduct, that being your attempts to cheat on Mom repeatedly throughout each and every week...
You might be saying to yourself, 'hmmm he can't know about every attempt...'
Oh but I do...
Here are a few posting headlines I have copied over the past few months that are def yours (and don't deny it you son of a bitch):
- Hot Ass Cop Lady At CUBS game
- Latina girl at charity event who wants the D
- Daughter's teacher from school conference who called me 'funny'
- Nurse at Doctor's office who fingered me
- Girl on bus who did double take after I pulled it out while driving
- Asian girl that was so Asian and so hot
- Walgreens cashier who told me 'have a nice day'
- Other nurse a doctor's office who was also hot
- Barista who asked me if I needed room (I'll give you room by the way)
- Hot girl at gas station who smiled back at me after I waved and said Hi
I could go on and on and on, but hopefully you will read this message and stop this behavior right now. I'm serious Dad. You can't do Mom wrong like this and luckily, it seems to be the case that you have inadvertently not been able to cheat on her. You can correct yourself now and this will all be just a phase, just a little blip in your marriage.
Until then, I have decided I must punish you by not just writing this message, but by disabling the wifi in our house so that you can no longer 'do accounting alone, don't come in here or bother me for 30 minutes.'
So Good Luck.
Your son,
Jimmy
P.S. I threw away your season one Bang Bus DVD collection hidden behind the picture of us in the family room. It had to be done.