Is it Cool for Straight Dudes to Hit on Lesbians Online? (No)

Illustration for article titled Is it Cool for Straight Dudes to Hit on Lesbians Online? (No)

Red Eye Chicago's dating columnist Anna Pulley recently received a question we've never encountered before: is it okay for straight guys to hit on lesbians online? Um, what, why? Here it is:

I'm a straight male who finds himself way more attracted to bi or gay females than straight women. This applies to sexual attraction, but even more so with emotional attraction. Speaking in blanket terms, straight women sometimes seem too prudish or conservative for my liking. And there's just something extremely attractive about a strong, self-sufficient, maybe tomboyish, gay female that really does it for me. So on to my question. Is it wrong for me to message females on OkCupid that have their orientation set to gay if my intentions are romantic? I don't want to be disrespectful or out of line, but I tend to be way more into the gay female profiles on OkCupid compared to the straight ones. And wasn't there some recent studies that came out proving that female sexuality is more fluid than male sexuality? Thanks for your help!

-Not into straight chicks

Pulley's answer is a resounding "no":

Think of it this way. How would you feel if gay men pursued you online despite identifying as straight? It wastes everyone's time, it's disrespectful, and queer girls get hit on enough by straight dudes in real life. It's bad enough that you've ruined the Craigslist Casual Encounters section for us! It's doubly intrusive when it happens online, a space where we are supposed to have more control over who approaches us and vice versa.


Pulley pointed out that OkCupid recently gave LGBTQ users the option of hiding their profiles from straight users exactly for reasons like "Not Into Straight Chicks"' existence, but said she appreciated the man's sincerity, "and the fact that you don't seem like you have wildly fetishistic intentions."

It's funny she said that, because the fetishistic nature of the question was exactly what rubbed me the wrong way. It seems like the questioner is into gay women stereotypes — are there no strong, self-sufficient, tomboyish hetero ladies out there? — more than he is into gay women themselves, and he clearly doesn't give a fuck that they wouldn't be into him because they're self-described lesbians, not bisexuals. The notion that female sexuality is always more fluid than male sexuality — at least the way he uses it as an excuse to justify his question — is dismissive and patronizing as well. "If a queer gal wants to get her mack on with a dude, then that's her prerogative and she will make that clear, but it's rude and annoying to assume otherwise when she's clearly checked the "gay" box," Anna writes. Amen to that!

Advice: Is it OK for straight guys to hit on lesbians online? [RedEve Chicago]

Image via Edw/Shutterstock.



if the questions was posed another way, which gay guys hitting on straight guys, a resounding "no" would be deemed proof of homophobia. why is it different in this context?