The rumor mill has furiously churned out a pretty damning story about convicted abuser and man-boy at large Chris Brown. According to sources, his new courting technique involves an introduction and the line "I promise I won't beat you." With most other celebrities, this would just be another Bill Murray Punched Me in an Alley story. But with Brown, even if it's bullshit (and probably is), it's still kind of horribly believable.

According to Us Weekly, the Pop Prince of the Shit-Eating Grin approached an "attractive brunette" (I love it when hair color can substitute for the word "woman") at the Lasio Professional Hair Care Grammy suite gift lounge and told her "Can I get your number? I promise I won't beat you!"

That proclamation was followed by a hearty laugh of appreciation from his bros/hangers-on. One of them followed it up by saying, "That's his new line!" What fun!

The object of Brown's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad pickup line wasn't amused, though, and went straight to a tabloid with her story. "Ugh! I wanted to throw up," she said.


Ugh, indeed.

If this is true, Chris Brown has so dramatically missed the point that if he were a fencer, he'd be kicked off the team. And, if it's not true, he's uh, still an unrepentant spoiled child whose established a pattern of behavior that makes a story like this believable. Chair throwing. Temper tantrums. Crocodile tears. Someone needs a time out while he thinks up an album title for his most popular singles that does not involve the word "Hits" or "Smash."


Chris Brown's New Pickup Line: "I promise I won't beat you" [Us]