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Introducing Jezebel's 2012 Monthly Apocalypse Index

Illustration for article titled Introducing Jezebels 2012 Monthly Apocalypse Index

As we all know, 2012 is the year the world as we know it will cease to exist. The Mayans said so! And so did that one movie with John Cusack. Sure, there are plenty of signs that the apocalypse is not mere months away. But then again, John Cusack wouldn't lie, would he? It's confusing. That's why we have Jezebel's Monthly Apocalypse Index, in which we keep count of the many Signs The Apocalypse Is Nigh as well as the Signs Everything Is Gonna Be Okay. We'll do this on a monthly basis until December, when fire and brimstone will prevent us from going on. Ready?


January's Signs The Apocalypse is Nigh:

Total: 870

January's Signs Everything is Going To Be Okay and Life Will Go On:

  • Cooked tomatoes slow down cancer. Spaghetti will save us all! [-20]
  • A monkey thought to be extinct was found in Borneo. Awesome. [-10]
  • Puppies!!! The world cannot end while puppies are still so darn cute. [-5]
  • Blue Ivy Carter, heir to the Illuminati throne, already hit the Billboard chart. [-4]
  • NASA insists world is not ending, and they would know. [-50]

Total: 89

January's Apocalyptic Score: 781

In other words, start buying dry goods for your bunker.


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The Russians are about to awaken the Dark Lord Cthuluh in Antarctica. +5,000,000,000

It's over. All because we can't keep our damn hands to ourselves.