Insane Russian Wedding Photos Are The Best Kind Of Wedding Photos

We’ve seen elaborately choreographed Chinese wedding photos, and the magic of Photoshop brought to bear on the creation of so-called “tiny bride” pictures, but never before have we seen anything as wildly creative and completely fucking nuts as these Russian wedding photo-illustrations. It’s like the Yvette’s Bridal Formal website held a wedding in Moscow, and invited the Ralph Lauren photoshop team to take the pictures.

Flying seems to be a theme. The text on the left translates to, as per the website English Russia, “I used to be warned about it…” Warned about your bride taking her trusty Nimbus 2000 to the wedding? Warned about the noise hazard of getting married on an airport runway? Warned about that buzz cut? What?

Another motif is bows and arrows. In some weddings, the lady shoots the dude, and in others, the dude shoots the lady. In Russia there is equal-opportunity heart-archery. (“Hearchery.”)

Why have one spouse when a spare is included in your photographer’s fee?

A mini mother-in-law, however, will cost $50 extra.

I have some questions about how this photograph was…achieved. Did the photographer discuss this concept in advance with the couple? Thoroughly? Did they scout locations together? Did it take a long time to find just the right brick wall? Whose boat is that? Why is the husband kitted out like a Navy S.E.A.L./Warhammer 40k figurine? Wouldn’t a set of bolt cutters be more useful than a sword and a shield? What is he going to use the red roses for? Why is the bride chained to a tower? Why do the bolts that secure the chains look like Mercedes-Benz hood ornaments? Does Mercedes-Benz have some kind of medieval-fantasy paraphernalia license I’m not aware of? Maybe that only exists in Russia? But most importantly, I want to know: where I can get photos like this done? I NEED them.