Indiana Jones And The Vagtastic Voyage

Illustration for article titled Indiana Jones And The Vagtastic Voyage

I saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull over the weekend, and I don't think I'm giving anything away by telling you that the climactic fight scene occurs in the recesses of a dank, sinister cave. I realized shortly after leaving the theater that every climactic Indiana Jones fight scene occurs in a cave, generally populated by Nazis, Russians, or some other group of anti-American miscreants. And we all know what those caves symbolize: vaginas! In fact, it seems like the Indiana Jones series is one, long, convoluted vagina dentata myth. Think about it: In the Last Crusade, Indiana Jones travels deep into the fertile crescent to find the Holy Grail; he goes through several underground lairs to find it, and while he's trying to run away, a giant crack opens in the ground. And don't even get me started on the infamous boulder scene in Raiders of the Lost Arc, wherein a big ol' rock comes rolling down a dark, narrow passageway after Indy has stolen a totemic treasure.


I'm not the only one who sees the Indy flicks as dentata dramas. According to one Mr. Cranky on his eponymous website, "The climax of Temple of Doom is the key. The offerings made to the female God include a human sacrifice lowered down a canal into a pit of red hot lava. When Kate Capshaw is tied to the contraption and lowered, Indy's Willie is threatened. His Willie's entrance into the canal equals death, and Indy will have none of that."


Mr. Cranky also points out that Temple of Doom highlights Indy's overwhelming fear of being emasculated. A thread that goes throughout the four films is Indy's fear of snakes. It seems that our big, conquering superhero is threatened by external, slithering phalluses! In the Crystal Skull, at one point, Shia LeBouf's character asks Indy to "grab onto his snake," to get Indy out of a pit of quicksand. Indy is not exactly thrilled about it.

In the Last Crusade, Indiana Jones gets that adorably virile scar beneath his lower lip from whipping himself as an inexperienced teen. Considering all that dentata evidence, I think he got the scar from some other, more sensually barbed exploration.

Indiana Jones And The Temple of Doom [Mr. Cranky]

Earlier: Indiana Jones 4: The Kingdom of The Crystal Dull

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Spaceman Bill Leah

I admit, I enjoyed the hell out of the movie but I have a very large capacity for the suspension of disbelief. However, Indy 4 doesn't get an A from me. It could have gotten an A if, on top of all of Spielberg's other quotes and references, a giant dinosaur had jumped out of the jungle and tried to chomp the (HUGE SPOILER)as it flew away.