Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

In Which We Try Out A Little 'Moderation'

We may earn a commission from links on this page.

Sometime early Saturday morning, we found ourselves thinking a thought about Paris Hilton. It wasn't a very clear thought so it might have been about Lindsay Lohan actually, or her mom, and how we sometimes make up stuff about ourselves when we drink, and how being a Rockette would be a pretty good story that we might recycle more than once. Suffice it to say, we like to drink. But something told us it was time to lay off for awhile. "Something" happened to agree with our shrink. Herewith, our first installment of the "Moderation Chronicles," in which we practice moderation, in moderation.

Shrink: You know, if I give you an Adderall prescription, you can't drink.
Royal We: That is absolutely not a problem. We are looking for excuses not to drink.
Shrink: Well, I'm just concerned because you didn't answer the question on the form.
Royal We: What question?
Shrink: About how much you drink.
Royal We: Oh.
Shrink: How much do you drink.
Royal We: Right now, too much.

Shrink: Well how much?
Royal We: Well, like, last night?
Shrink: In a week.
Royal We: Um, 25?
Shrink: That's a lot.
Royal We: Wait, no!
Shrink: There are things I can give you to help you with that.
Royal We: Wait, no, we mean, we really don't drink 25 drinks a week! We're just really hungover now and we can't do math.
Shrink: Hm.
Royal We: Seriously! That's WAY too much. We mean, if wedrank that much we'd probably try to, you know, lowball it with you wouldn't we? Isn't that what drunks do?
Shrink: All right, let me phrase it differently, how much does it take you to get drunk?
Royal We: Well, we mean, it depends if we've eaten, or if we have our period.
Shrink: You've eaten, you don't have your period
Royal We: Uh, five? Six?
Shrink: That's a lot.
Royal We: We didn't want to seem like a wimp! It depends what you mean by "drunk," too.
Shrink: No, it's okay, there are a lot of women like you.
Royal We: We really don't even like drinking that much. We're just... a really good friend.
Shrink: Well.
Royal We: And we have a lot of friends. We mean, it's getting to be a problem.
Shrink: Look, you can't take Adderall if you drink. Because you know what happens when you take Adderall when you drink?
Royal We: Oh yeah, you have to drink like 10 whiskeys to feel anything.
Shrink: Well, that and you forget stuff.
Royal We: Oh shit. To self: sex and Adderall not so much!
Shrink: But listen, there are things I can prescribe to you to help you with this.
Royal We: Really?! Like a pill?
Shrink: Yes, pills that will take away your craving to drink. You can still drink, but you'll be at a bar and you'll be more like those people who go out and hang out all night but only ever sit and nurse a drink or two.
Royal We: Us?
Shrink: Do you know any of those people? Who can go out and hang out and only drink one or two?
Royal We: You mean the not fun people?
Shrink: Are they not fun?
Royal We: Well, we're just really fun.
Shrink: You will still be fun!
Royal We: Well, we'll anything once. That's one of the things that makes us fun! What kind of pills are we talking?
Shrink: Well there are two kinds. There's nalprexone.
Royal We: For heroin addicts?
Shrink: Well it also works for alcoholism.
Royal We: We're not an alcoholics!
Shrink: And there's a new drug called Campral.
Royal We: Okay, we'll take that one. Is it new?
Shrink: Yes. But it's expensive.
Royal We: Not as expensive as Maker's Mark! Not that we said that!!