Gabe at Videogum is pretty sick of "fake rap." And to ensure that it is wiped off the planet, he's been collecting examples of the horrors that fake rap can bring. We thought we'd help.
Fake rap, according to Gabe, "is like children's music designed specifically to raise an army of sociopathic misanthropes." Though fake country songs and fake pop songs are all over the place, trying to sell us baubles and bangles or teach our kids how to read on Sesame Street, as Gabe notes, "somehow the fake raps are the most insufferable." He points out Ed McMahon's Free Credit Report ads as a primary example.
Let's take a look at Gabe's most recent fake rap selection, shall we? It is absolutely terrible, as far as a rap song goes, but you can tell that the cops were trying their best to reach out to kids, trying to get them to avoid gangs, and you can't really fault them for that, unless you consider that the majority of the kids watching this in 1992 (when I was in 5th/6th grade, so I was probably the target audience at the time) were probably sitting there with their hands over their eyes, horrified:
Sometimes, "fake rap" comes to us in commercial form. Take, for instance, this guy, whose song haunted my brain for about 3 weeks a few years ago, when all I could do was sing, "Flea Market! Montgomery! It's just like, it's just like a Mini Mall! Hey hey!"
Yet most Jezebel readers know that the absolute worst (and also, in a way, best) fake rap of all time comes to us from the 1989 film Teen Witch, wherein a young woman seemingly gains her confidence by telling some jackass that no, thank you, she doesn't really give a- about tryin' to Top That:
If you're as concerned about putting an end to fake rap as Gabe is, please feel free to sign his End Fake Rap Petition, to help stop the madness once and for all. Unless, of course, you're into fake rap, and if that's the case, let us know why. Also: feel free to post any cringeworthy fake raps you know in the comments below.