In Which Men's Health Talks Dirty, Creeps Us Out A Bit

Illustration for article titled In Which Men's Health Talks Dirty, Creeps Us Out A Bit

This morning, I stumbled across a list that Men's Health had released, titled, "30 Hottest Things To Say To A Naked Woman." I was all ready to write a scathing response, until my boyfriend intervened.

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"You can't make fun of Men's Health again," he frowned, "It's too easy." Perhaps he's right, though I couldn't help but cringe and laugh as I went through the list, trying to picture my boyfriend saying any of these things with a straight face. It's the same reaction I have when I read a similar list in a women's magazine: there's something quite strange about the idea of scripted sex talk, generic things that everyone seems to have heard at one point or another. The Men's Health lines are, most likely, things that most of us have sadly heard at one point or another (thanks, high school boyfriends!). Yet, despite my boyfriend's advice to lay off the "easy target" that is Men's Health, I'm afraid there are some lines on the list that need addressing:

  • 7. "Do you feel this, too?" ("This" being an incredible emotional euphoria.) Oh nooooo! The "do you feel this, too?" guy! He wants to sweep you off your feet with John Mayer ballads and tales of that one trip he took to Grand Canyon once, where he learned to "really feel, you know? Life, is like, you know, a giant canyon of dreams and feelings and love, right? It's all just so magical and emotional." Two minutes after he tells you this, you are done making out forever.
  • 15. Nothing. Total, deliberate silence. You can stare at her, grab her, touch her, but don't make a sound. If she tries to talk, place a finger on her lips. Is anyone else totally creeped out by this one? Don't let that lady talk! Nothing says "sexy" like silence by force. Gross.
  • 29. "Don't ever leave me." Dudes: you will be dumped 3 seconds after saying this.
  • 16. While looking out the window at people not currently in bed with her: "Suckers." Are you having sex in the display window at Macy's?
  • 2. "Squeeze my hand when it feels really amazing." If someone ever said this to me, I would burst out laughing. I would then continue laughing as I stood up, got dressed, and grabbed my things. Right before I walked out the door, I'd squeeze the guy's hand, and then get the hell out of there.
  • 8. "Hungry? Stay right here. I'll go make you a burrito." I'm not gonna lie: I love burritos. But there is a time and a place, son! And sexy time and burrito time just don't mix, I'm afraid. It's bad news, bears! Bad news! It is one thing to excuse yourself to slip on a cute little outfit or dig some condoms out of your purse, but it is quite another to have to take a break from making out in order to pop some Beano, know what I'm sayin'?

Alas, my boyfriend is right: this list is too easy to pick apart. And yet I can't help it! The list is filled with slightly creepy, calculated phrases that are akin to similar lists that pop up in women's magazines, wherein we are instructed to send our boyfriends or girlfriends texts saying "Was in such a rush! 4got 2 wear a bra" and other embarrassing "OMG nobody says that shit" phrases of the sort. So perhaps, dear commenters, we should try to help the crew of Men's Health by suggesting better lines, or at the very least, let them know which lines to avoid. Any suggestions?

30 Hottest Things To Say To A Naked Woman [Men's Health]
Sexy Texts To Entice Him [Cosmopolitan]

DISCUSSION

waltzingdelilah-old
waltzing_delilah

Two of my WORST sexual experiences were with talkers. One kept up a running commentary such as "ohhh, baby, year, dance for me, dance, baby" merely because I rotated my hips while on top, and we had music going. The other kept asking me "what's the matter, hmm? what's the matter, baby? do you want this?" in a smug, sing-song way. Neither got to see me naked ever again.

One guy did shush me during sex, but that was because I was giving instructions, and his ego apparently couldn't take it. He also told me to stay still when I shifted to get him to hit my spot. I got up, threw his boots at him and told him to get out.

Ladies, if ever you want to screw a marine, don't.