You know, there were plenty of super-important celebrity news stories we could kick this morning off with (K-Fed got married! and Angelina Jolie's kids are unimpressed by their mom's cinematic villainy!), and while I'm quite sure we're all familiar with the vicissitudes of morning talk show fate that paired wine-tasting buds Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb together so they could awkwardly discuss penis girth, briefly join the Furry community, and enjoy some sexually-charged Little Red Riding Hood cosplay, the pair's Today antics took an endearing and characteristically bizarre turn on Friday morning when Kathie Lee serenaded Hoda with a birthday song patterned on "Channing All Over Your Tatum." Spoiler alert: Kathie Lee's rendition is lightyears weirder.
The song, which Kathie Lee almost certainly recorded at home in her wine cellar a week ago, goes like this:
I wanna Hoda on your Kotb in the back of my jalopy/I want to walk you down the street/show off your size 11 feet/don’t I know that you’re size 10 honey but they’re huge/I want to get you good and loaded till your great big head exploded … Men are in love with Hoda Kotb because it’s impossible not to be with that fine Egyptian body/I want to Hoda on your Kotb because we know you like it sloppy.
Happy birthday, Hoda! Kathie Lee hopes you and your ogre feet are going to enjoy aging gracefully on morning television. After the song, in the smoking ramparts that was once NBC's top-rated morning show, Hoda emerged to clarify, "Look, my shoe, it’s a size 9 ½, okay?" [NYDN]
- I'm sure the Las Vegas wedding Britney Spears bought for Kevin Federline and Victoria Prince was first-class all the way. [People]
- On Saturday, Angelina Jolie told an uneasy crowd gathered at Disney's D23 Expo in Anaheim — America's first and only city made entirely of particle board and recycled plastic from the bills of old Donald Duck novelty hats — that her evil sorceress costume from Maleficent was mega-terrifying to small children: "These little kids would visit the set, and I would think, 'Oh, I am a Disney character,' so I would go over to them, and say, 'Hi there.' They would just scream." Yes, scream, little ones. The unflappable Pitt-Jolie brood looks on your superstitious suburban fears with utter disdain. [People]
- Britney Spears might open her very own Meatball Spot pizza franchise (it'd be a spot for meatballs) in Vegas, although three of the six different meatball varieties will belong exclusively to K-Fed as part of a sitcom plot sure to be swiftly cancelled on NBC. [People]
- If you trust The Mirror's reputation for journalistic excellence, then Charles Saatchi definitely threatened to kill himself if Nigella Lawson didn't take him back. [The Mirror]
- If you trust Kim Kardashian's reputation for privacy and discretion, then you'll totally believe that she and Kanye West are passing up the chance to sell photographs of their infant to gossip mags. [TMZ]
- Astronomers have confirmed that the sun can no longer rise without a new Instagram selfie from Rihanna. [E!]
- The latest wild rumor from Warner Bros. search for the new Batman is that fucking Orlando Bloom could get the part before the first casting call. Also in the running according to some Warner Bros. insiders: Christian Slater's left testicle (the grizzled one with the light dusting of grey pubic hair), a broom, a black Labrador who can tie his own cape, and an actual fruit bat named Samuel who starred in a off-Broadway production of King Lear in which Cordelia, Goneril, and Regan were all played by Ethan Hawke. [Comic Book Movie]
- Billy Corgan has deluded himself into believing that people in China want to hear a Mandarin rendition of "Silverfuck." [SCMP]
- On a sad note, Eydie Gorme, who sang both solo and as part of a married duo with husband Steve Lawrence, has died in Las Vegas following a brief, undisclosed illness. She was 84. [AP]
Image via AP, Richard Drew