Happy Monday! If you're having a bad day, I've got just the thing to make it better: A chilling (well, very warm, actually) tale of a woman who swallowed her own blood clots while trying to perform fellatio upon her partner. And then he Roman showered her. How does that even happen? Let me paint you a picture.

The Today I Fucked Up (TIFU) subreddit is always full of fun and informative mistakes that others have made. Sometimes they involve poop and sometimes they involve having sex with your sister and sometimes, just sometimes, but also very frequently, the stories shared by redditors are so unspeakably vile that everyone reading them hopes that they're fake. That's actually how this story came to me, with an editor saying "this is vile and I hope it isn't real." But it probably is, because, let's face it, the grossest things always are.

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So here's the story (from A to P): A woman, while on her period, has sex with her boyfriend, which is totally normal and healthy. He refuses to go down on her because he isn't a bloodhound and she understands. But then, all hell breaks loose when they decide to have sex in the shower.

From TIFU:

We happily rush to the bathroom, shedding clothes along the way. A torrent of hot water and steam fill the room, while he fills me up. He has me pinned against the wall, we are facing each other. I can feel he is about to come. He pulls out and I drop to my knees, pulling him towards me. I love to help him finish like this, and out of habit, take him into my mouth.

The taste is salty, saltier then normal, then copper... we lock eyes again and his face turns into a terrified grimace, instant recognition of what horror has occurred. I suffer from menorrhagia. Most girls "spot" and wear these thin little liners. I go through a tampon every 30 minutes, and basically wear a diaper. I bleed quarter sized clots of a deep red mucous mess. Sex and stimulation tend to help push it out.

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If this person isn't a writer, she should be. With those descriptions I almost feel like I'm right there with her, also accidentally biting into a boba pearl of discarded uterine lining.

It gets worse:

My mouth has been effectively filled with these clots. I instantly vomit. Spewing a combination of blood and chunks onto my boyfriends penis and legs.

He returns the favour by showering my face and hair with his own mixture of undigested waste. My boyfriend is 230lb, 6'4 and a bodybuilder. Needless to say, he eats a lot. The shower clogs instantly. Leaving us both naked, shivering and nauseated, attempting to clean up the biggest pile of vomit I have ever seen.

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The storyteller apologizes for the gore, but what she should be doing is copyrighting this entire tale. I'd put money on the fact that a new horror movie where people have to do horrible things (sex things?) to get out of perilous situations will use this exact scenario. Right down to the naked shivering.

The story, at least, ends on an educational note. Here's an edit the author made after her account exploded all over Reddit:

PSA: I believe that many people who are pming me questions may also suffer from menorrhagia and dysmenorrhea and have not been diagnosed. "WIKIPEDIA- A blood loss of greater than 80 ml or lasting longer than 7 days constitutes menorrhagia." I am not a doctor and cannot give you a diagnosis.

What I can share is that I spent the first 6 years believing my cycle was normal, and suffered much more then necessary. Please take care of yourself, and this goes especially for young ladies just beginning their womanhood. They may not fully understand what is happening and what constitutes normal.

Image via Shutterstock