"I'm Sorry I Assaulted You. Better Get A Lawyer And A Publicist Stateside Because The U.S. Government Isn't Going To Give A Shit. Believe Me, I Work For Them!"

Illustration for article titled Im Sorry I Assaulted You. Better Get A Lawyer And A Publicist Stateside Because The U.S. Government Isnt Going To Give A Shit. Believe Me, I Work For Them!

So the great mystery of why the State Department ignored all those rapes and sexual assults on its lady citizens stationed in Iraq is slowly unraveling: they were in on it! This story comes via Tracy Barker, a onetime Halliburton employee who was summoned to the Basra bachelor pad of one Farsi translator Ali Mokhtare with an urgent request: he needed someone to fix his air conditioner. And he was certainly in need of some cooling off when she arrived! In other news, Huckabee thinks all us dirty little whores should just submit, the Clinton campaign adviser who broke yesterday's shocking Blowbamagate story resigned, and it turned out that a bunch of athletes like drugs too. (Thanks to reader Kelsey Meuse for the graphic!) Also: in honor of snow, Megan and I discuss our favorite Christmas carols. After the lump!

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Moe: Are you seriously seriously not available?
Megan: oh, no, I'm good. I just end up with like every friend in the world being like, hey! I have the day off! Let's chat about stuff!
Moe: I totally hate friends for that reason!!!
Megan: I mean, I love friends, but sometimes I'm like, can't talk now! And then it's like, but, no, just check out this youtube video! And I'm like, it's still a job, even if I'm sitting in my PJs!
Moe: It's like PEOPLE, have you heard about the THIRD HALLIBURTON SEX ASSAULT SCANDAL???? I have NEWS to skim throughly and make quippy remarks about. So, um, let's quip! This new girl got felt up and shaken down not by a fellow defense contractor employee but a State Department translator. His come-on: "I need you to look at my air conditioner."
Megan: Wait, gosh, is that the same State Department agent Lynn Falanga from the other rape case? God, her job must suck!
Moe: On a related note, he was a Farsi translator. Who in Iraq speaks Farsi? Only Al Qaeda suspects, I'm thinking. So maybe he was like totally critical to national security or somesuch.
Megan: "Oh, I'm sorry you got raped. Better get a lawyer and a PR agent stateside because the U.S. government isn't going to give a shit. Believe me, I know. I work for them."
Moe: Oh, and excuse the tense. He "is" a translator. He still works for the State Department.
Megan: Well, sure, if you're critical to national security because of your language skills you won't get fired for anything.
Unless, of course, you're gay.
And working for the Pentagon
Moe: Hahaha yeah "I know because I personally helped DRAFT our policy paper stating that we do not give a shit if you are raped."
Megan: Then, fuck you, goodbye.
Raping women is cool. Consensual sex with those of the same gender? Fuck you, get out, we don't care how many languages you speak.
Moe: Right, and we might as well quarantine you if you're going to just go around giving everyone AIDS
Today is looklng creepily like every other day.
Last night while I was procrastinating I read this entire story on Huckabee and I pretty much felt like I'd read it already.
Megan: Honestly, are there any stories about the candidates that are original?
they've all been running for like 10 years it feels like.
Hell, Biden was running in 2005
Moe: Though in Huckabee's defense, he probably wouldn't let any of those poor women into Iraq to get raped in the first place. He thinks they should stay back at home "submitting gracefully" to their husbands. I wonder if it's ungracious to request a safety word when you're submitting.
Megan: God, those Southern Baptists are some kinky fuckers. All that "topping from the bottom" shit and writing BDSM right into their mission statement?
Who knew that was the "code" that Bush has been speaking in to evangelicals all this time?
Laura, you little minx!
Moe: Mental imagery do not want.
Megan: Ok, I'll stop. I was about to get into some really graphic shit.
6 minutes
Moe: No, go, go! I want to hear the part about what a ungrateful insubordinate little slut she's been, calling up those Burmese monks and signing up for fashion week without asking! Or wait, maybe I'd rather here Madonna sing Santa Baby. Any Christmasy type news in the news today? I feel like this global warming thing is really eroding away at my sense of holiday cheer. Or maybe it's just the fact that rape isn't really illegal anymore. Or maybe it's just that I never leave the house anymore so another civil complaint winging about another one of those legally protected Green Zone rapes is the closest I get to fucking. And it's not a very good substitute.
Megan: Yeah, if the closest you get to fucking is reading about the brutal sexual assaults of women in Iraq, you might soon come to hate... Oh, never mind, who am I kidding. We're already not that sure about men.
Also, if I'm picking pop Christmas songs, it's all about The Waitresses.
Moe: Oh. My. God. You just restored my faith in humankind
That is not a very exciting video.
That said, this song makes up for EVERY SINGLE VERSION OF SANTA BABY EVER RECORDED.
It always makes me think of DC christmas because they would play it INCESSANTLY on HFS.
Megan: Yeah, there's sadly no actual video I could find for the song, so I just put it on in the background.
Although, I heard it growing up on FLY 92 back home.
Moe: Oooh oooh,
Father Christmas, give us your EUROS!
We don't have time for your LEAD POISONED CHINESE TOYS
I could totes write all Lou Dobbs' speeches if he ran. SIGH.
Megan: Honey, we all could! They're so easy!
David Duke could. And we all know how dumb he is.
Moe: Here they are. The Kinks, people. It's a slightly more exciting video.
I feel like no one's writing classic anti-Christmas carols anymore.
Megan: This is my favorite anti Christmas carol
But I'm a sick bastard.
Moe: Hahahaha love this comment "my lil cousin sang this at are church talent show yesterday.. its so cute"
Megan: I know! It's about a guy rotting in a chimney! It's sick!
Moe: Oh, I was READING INTO IT.
I was like, "I think this song is about my TAMPON."
That cartoon kid is scary looking.
Megan: Wait until you get to the smell waves of decomposing flesh.
You'll feel like you're back talking about Iraq.
Moe: Hahaha excellent segue! But I actually wanted to know if you felt any compulsion to weigh in on all our steroid-pumped athletes? I don't get it. I mean, if they're all on steroids, that's a pretty level playing field right? I mean, it's maybe not fair to the Japs but you know they have their Japanese zen voodoo whatnot rituals which is how they win all those competitive eating contests.
Megan: None of it is about any fucking level playing field. All of it is about making the fans feel like it isn't a load of shit so they keep buying crap and idolizing sports figures. Nothing about the Mitchell report will change anything. The end.

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DISCUSSION

Those black eye pools of death are going to give me nightmares.

Probably not as bad as the State-Department-sanctioned-rape-and-molestation nightmares though.