I'm So Thrilled to Announce That I'll Be Buying the Giudice's Foreclosed Beach House for $100!

Real Housewives of New Jersey stars Joe and Teresa Giudice have had a rough time of late, mostly because they are really bad people who committed obscene amounts of fraud and were sentenced to jail time. Their Jersey Shore beach house, on which the couple owes $348,000, is being put up for auction today at 2 PM, and the starting bid is…$100.

Thank you so much, I am the luckiest girl in the world!!!!

No phone bids are allowed, unfortunately, but the sale is under an hour from now—literally anything could happen! I would not be surprised if I were offered a free ride to Ocean County by a Jezebel reader, or something crazy like that!

I am so excited to move in, because I really love everything about this house. I love its history—I mean, if walls could talk, I would learn so much about submitting false tax returns! I also love the fact that it’s pink, and has a dolphin and birds and an anchor in plaster on the facade, which speaks to my surrealist aesthetic and upbeat attitude. If “Anything Could Happen” by Ellie Goulding was a wall instead of a song, it would definitely be this wall, and I love that.

I also love the fact that this house isn’t so much “on” the “beach”—because who needs that?! I burn very easily! With its dirt lawn and sloped roof that says, “Maybe I’m two floors, maybe I’m not,” this house is not trying to front and it is not trying to be anything other than what it is, which is a sad deserted home with a religious statue in the front yard.

Anyways, I just wanted to let you guys know what’s going on in my life! If anybody has decorating tips or $100,000 just in case, definitely let me know.