In the currently airing Season 7 of Vanderpump Rules, the conflict surrounding Stassi Schroeder has been tame at best and basic at worst. (Or, according to her debut book, Next Level Basic: The Definitive Basic Bitch Handbook, it’s basic at best.) On the show, she’s in the midst of writing her manuscript—which has done seemingly nothing to curb her drinking and vacationing—while dating the first good guy she’s ever been with, Beau Clark, who every other cast member seems to love. They’re the perfect match, except for when Stassi drinks to excess, decides it is time to go to bed, and blows up in Beau’s face when he doesn’t want to hit the hay the minute she decides the party is over.
As far as relationship issues go on Bravo reality, this is minor but still a hiccup that’s stopped them from going the distance. So Stassi did what any rational, young, white 20-something lady in Southern California would do: she went to see The Oracle of Los Angeles—a hippie, witchy woman who does things like hit wind chimes indoors and assures you she can tell you’re full of love after you tell her you’re in a loving relationship—for an exorcism. It is inspiring.
Disregarding the successes of therapy, Stassi decides that her obvious control issues, which hinder her ability to fully open up and allow herself to give into her relationship, aren’t just her being “mean”; it’s that she literally “is a demon” who requires an exorcism of sorts. The usual. And because her BFF Katie Maloney-Schwartz fancies herself a “witch of WeHo,” she knew of the Oracle and brought Schroeder to her. In the final scene of Monday night’s episode, the “magical practitioner” (this is language from her website, okay) says things like: “The circle is cast. Tell me what you see before you now,” as she rings a tiny bell. Stassi answers, “This may sound stupid, but it feels younger and lighter. A cloud on the best day ever. A freakin’ Mario Bros. cloud.” To which I say: gimme whatever she gave Stassi, stat. That sounds nice as hell. Excuse me, heaven.
It’s a classic “bring in the expert!” reality TV stunt moment. But if the solution to all of life and love’s conundrums is a white lady in a maxi dress who owns a lot of crystals, there’s hope for all of us. We might just find salvation someday. And isn’t that encouraging!