I Will Instagram Your Wedding All I Want. These Shoes Hurt, Dammit.

Perhaps triggered by Sean “Don’t photograph this giant fucking spectacle of a wedding LOOK AT ME DON’T LOOK AT ME” Parker’s wedding, many couples are asking guests to leave their phones at home and simply swim in a sea of their love, untethered from technology. As if. Listen, I’m excited for you on your big day, and that’s part of the reason why I want to celebrate it via adorable, twee, filtered-to-hell-and-back Instagrams. You have love that will last a lifetime, let me have this.

Anja Winikka with TheKnot.com said that she’s seen some guests asked to check their tech at the door. “Just like you might your coat,” said Winikka. “The reason being is because at that point your guests certainly have no opportunity to be posting anything online.”

Uh, that’s half the reason I go to a wedding, lady. OK, maybe that’s hyperbole, but you are not taking away my camera, lifeline, and comfort blanket. I’m not five, I can handle holding onto my phone and I won’t accidentally murder anyone with it.

Here’s the thing, Instagramming your wedding gives me something to do when you sit me at a table with your high school gym coach and the man you lost your virginity to (Sometimes that’s the same dude!) (Congratulations on your big day, Trang Pak! You look beautiful!) Instead of creating awkward small talk about how beautiful the bride looks (Like I said, you look very beautiful), I’d rather take faux-artsy photos of the manicure I gave myself in the car.

How else will strangers online know I have IRL friends if I’m not Instagramming their weddings? This is a serious question. I’m probably missing some other event so I want to make sure those people know I’m having more fun than they are. More importantly, I want them to know that your wedding is so rad that I have not one, not two, but three of my own mason jars to swig your seasonal, organic signature cocktails in.

Yes, I agree there should be some common etiquette — no sticking your camera into the aisle and decapitating the paid photographer to get a shitty shot of the newlyweds. The iPhone photog needs to be aware of their surroundings, and make way for the professionals to do their jobs. If you’re not getting green to snap shots at your friend’s wedding, stay out of the fucking way. It’s common sense: Don’t photobomb the couple’s first kiss, and don’t take crotch shots in the bathroom stall. Other than that, let the profesh get a million (important) pics of Grandma, and the amateurs will get the rest of the action.

That said, a blurry shot of my friends’ ring bear-er is one of the best from their wedding. Sometimes the photos with personality are the ones that make their way onto the mantle. Instagram was made for weddings! Like, artfully placed hand-picked flowers in tiny tin cup centerpieces only look good with x pro filter! With no filter, you’re like, what is this, some grass in a bucket? No, I cannot allow that. Your wedding deserves better.

Some brides say they want their entrance to be the first time their groom sees them — and constant uploading to Facebook can spoil the surprise. “They still want their groom to see them in their gown for the very first time when the doors open,” said Abby Larson, creator of wedding website StyleMePretty.com

Dude, that’s your groom’s bad for being on the phone a half hour before you get married. Let’s talk about the real problem here, and it’s not your overactive shutterbug of a bridesmaid.

Finally, it’s absolutely imperative for me — and for many people I know judging by my friends’ Instagram feeds — to take at least one overhead photo of myself in the bathroom whilst drunk. The older I get, weddings are the only opportunity for such a disgusting display of boozy vanity. If I don’t have my phone, I might lose my shit and begin throwing your tea leaf-scented tealight candles and start a giant inferno and then we’ll all be fucked because nobody will have a phone to call the fire department.

Instagram is for novelty and weddings are crazy parties — people just want to take photos of themselves all gussied up and having a good time. That’s the reason so many weddings of yore passed out disposable cameras, and why many weddings today encourage Instagram hashtags. Because it’s fun! And weddings are fun — events to be shared and liked and hearted and mooned/raged over by past boyfriends and girlfriends.

Plus, practically speaking, your photographer might lose her technologically-dated film and you might end up thanking your Instagramming guests for going heavy on the Valencia filter later. Mazel tov, young lovers! (And let me know if you need help thinking of custom hashtags for your festivities; I’ve got a list.)