If You Haven't Been Making Out In Church, You've Been Missing Out

Illustration for article titled If You Haven't Been Making Out In Church, You've Been Missing Out

One minister has come up with a novel way to both keep church from being boring and keep the spice alive in the marriages of his parishioners: have them make out in front of the rest of the congregation. Yes, these Sunday morning sexytimes are part of Pastor Maurice Johnson's sermon at Winners Church in Queens, or, as the New York Post classily calls it, "Our Lady of Spin the Bottle."


Johnson believes you have to nurture your passion for your spouse, and what better way to do that than "the power of touch." Oh, and also, this:

You should be visually stimulated for your husband or your wife. It is your biblical responsibility to look good for your spouse.

Remember that next time you think about wearing sweatpants, I guess. Anyway, rather than let the married couples in his flock explore their love lives in the privacy of their own home, Pastor Johnson invites four pairs to make out in front of their peers for FIVE WHOLE MINUTES, which must feel like an eternity! Sure, some people find it a bit awkward, but they get into it eventually. When time is up the audience judges who was most the most "amorous couple," and they're given $50 for a date night.

So was it as good for us as it was for them? Yes, according to Johnson:

Any society that celebrates marriage, romance and love is going to be a free society. Public displays of affection aren't wrong. Adam and Eve were naked, and they were not ashamed.

That is all true, and yet somehow making out in front of a crowd for a cash prize does seem like marital relations as God intended them. Still, it does sound way more interesting than your typical church service.

Speak In Tongues: Pastor Cajoles Flock Into Kissing-Fest [New York Post]

Image via aldegonde/Shutterstock.



"And lo, Jesus said 'Thou shalt weareth the eyeliner for thy partner and thou shalt ensure that thou blends thy bronzer before thou leavest the house. However, thou shalt not makest out in front of thy congregation for money because that shit is creepy'."

Paul's letter to the MAC counter 1:31