Welcome to 'Crap Email From a Dude', the Jezebel public service that contends dudes are every bit as crazy as chicks. The names are changed but the insanity is real! After the jump, empathize as a guy named Kevin attempts to induce jealousy, threatens to assume spirit form, and suggests a latent sexual deviancy (and not in a good way) in a missive to his ex-girlfriend, Paula, who had finally come to her senses and broken up with him. Or so she thought...
I decided that you wanted nothing more than to hear from me right now. So here it is, my email to you. The most glorious email ever written; besides that last email that I sent, I thought that one was spectacular (although you never did fill out that wonderfully crafted questionnaire).
I have a new friend. She lives around the corner. I met her at a party that I went to with Max yesterday. We're going to be having raging cooking parties all of the time.
I don't know if you're invited yet. I kind of figure that you hate my guts because all that I can remember of you is all of the times I said mean things to you that I now wish I hadn't, which are more numerous than I had realized. Sorry about that. And sorry about all the mean thoughts that I thought of you and never told you about. Yeah, I'm really sorry about those too. I don't know where my head was at. Before you burn all of the pictures that you have of me I'd kind of like to have that one of me and Crystal back. Thanks.
OK, this is great, for the best whatever, blah, blah, blah... But I'm only going through with it on one condition. You made me promise to always be your friend no matter how our romantic relationship worked out. I plan to keep that promise, but that's difficult to do with you treating me like I have an infectious disease. So your not allowed to avoid giving me huge hugs as a greeting, or to say goodbye, or anytime in between. Your not allowed to avoid doing really fun things with just the two of us. And you are certainly not allowed to not spend the night with me out of fear that we're going to have sex. Like you can do with any friend that is worth having, you can trust me to keep my end of this bargain.
And you're also not allowed to not kiss me.
I felt really bad last night after you left. I woke up in the morning, couldn't drag myself out of bed because I still felt so bad. When I finally was able to drag myself out, at 7:30, I noticed that I could see my heart beating through my shirt in the bathroom mirror.
This is not going to work for me all summer, and then the rest of my life after that. At this rate I'm going to have a heart attack in a month, then I'll be dead and I'll haunt your house for all of eternity. And won't be like Casper either. I'll break shit in your house, get your family to turn against each other and murder each other out of delirium.
So unless you have very good excuse you to have to come over to my house on Friday, have dinner, and you have to spend the night there, and you need to sleep in the same bed as me. And you need to trust me.
I just feel like I'm losing my best friend and I'm totally not going to let it happen. This is the only way that I will go through with this break-up. If you are not willing to abide by these rules I will be forced to continue being your boyfriend indefinitely. Then we'll both be miserable. So don't force me to do that.
And in regards to the comment that I made last night about still wanting to have sex with you: I'd fuck a tree stump if I could find one suitable.
Love you always (nothing you can do about it),