If Our Husband's Urethra Was Shredded, Paris Hilton Would Probably Have Us Write About It Too

In the coming weeks Paris Hilton is going to take advantage of the fact that she has infected us all with a virulent strain of her ADD to try and embark upon some sort of campaign of image rehabilitation. We shouldn't be surprised at this; even murderous dictators try to do it before they get too close to death... and then there is our President. But say what you will about the doctrine of pre-emption: It never reduced a newspaper columnist to anything like this before:

I will write about Paris Hilton because I am not allowed to write about how my husband fell on some jungle gym equipment at the park, tore 40 percent of his urethra and has been catheterized and bedridden for the past 32 days. I would write about how my husband fell on some jungle gym equipment and tore 40 percent of his urethra, but Hubby says he can't stand to relive the accident and would prefer that I not tell the whole world what happened to him. So, in deference to him, here are a few words about the convicted heiress: She's facing a rough, rough time. But at least she has a perfectly intact urethra.


So, Jezebel commenters, another challenge!

We are still grappling with the challenge of filtering your hilarious "Hints", your prom stories, and your synonyms for the 'ol one-eyed trouser snake. But this is important, because our civilization is at stake. What are Paris' most loathsome moments? There was the cackling at Brandon Davis' utterance of "firecrotch"; the making fun of poor people and using the N-word; the pitiful performance on her own sex tape; that time she didn't really lose her job; the boyfriend-stealing; the boyfriends who paid homeless people to pour soda on themselves; the posing with The Power Of Now as if it were some type of object she was too coked-up to realize wasn't a dildo... the list goes on. But help a sister (or a sister site!) out! We would like to distill these moments to their pornographically-vacuous essences and have them to hold and cherish in the weeks ahead.

Note To Paris Hilton: Cry Me A River [Orange County Register]


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