[Long, drawn-out, blood-curdling scream]
Welcome to the 7,000th Republican debate, where America cowers in terror before the candidates it has earned. Watch along on CNBC at 8 pm EST, where [blood-curdling scream, closer this time] frontrunners Ben Carson and Donald Trump will be center stage in Boulder, Colorado. Or, just read this without context and imagine that we all lost our minds simultaneously. [demonic laughter]
Contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Art by Bobby Finger.