Today we gather in reverent supplication to a headline that will make you go, “Wait, I think I’m still drunk from yesterday.” It’s a Zen koan for a girl whose greatest passion is moisture—“Five Lotions for People Who Hate Lotion,” a blog post at Style.com.
“My name is Amber and I hate lotion. There, I’ve said it,” the post begins. But, because we live in a world where lotion use is mandatory based on fluctuating state-by-state regulations, the post does not end there. If you hate lotion but need some suggestions for lotion, here are five lotions for you: a spray lotion, an aromatherapeutic lotion, an oatmeal lotion with a “powdery finish,” a shower lotion, and a lotion for wet skin ft. everyone’s favorite lotion, coconut oil.