'I Like the Way the Fur Feels': One Man's Impassioned Defense of Donkey-Rape

You guys. I am so, so sorry in advance about the information I am about to present to you. But, I mean, do you expect me to just process it alone? All by myself? What of the social contract!?!?

Pleeeeeeeeease.
Help.
Me.

Here we go: A 31-year-old farmhand by the name of Carlos Romero was arrested yesterday and charged with misdemeanor sexual activity with an animal, after a passerby spotted him in a compromising position with a miniature donkey. In other words, allegedly, Romero was standing… with his pants down… in the farm yard… MAKING SEXUAL LOVE TO A MINI-DONK.

But what really makes this story stand out is Romero’s unashamed confession, in which he expresses disbelief that anyone would have a problem with his grinding to completion upon the haunches of a small donkey. To wit:

He began by saying that he “uses his fingers and saliva to clean the donkey’s clitoris and check for wood shavings and debris,” adding that he “gets aroused” by seeing an animal in heat.

Romero reported that he “stands behind the donkey, scratches her withers and masturbates.” He revealed that he “likes the way the fur feels on his testicles,” and that his penis “may have come in contact with the donkey’s vagina by accident and his semen may have splattered inside the donkey by accident.”

After recalling that he masturbated with the donkey “5 or 6 times,” Romero “stated Florida is a backwards state and people frown on zoophilia here.”

😐

Ohhhhhh, okay, I see. So you weren’t masturbating inside the donkey, you were just masturbating near the donkey using the donkey’s genitals because you were aroused by the donkey and then some airborne droplets of your manly issue accidentally burrowed inside the donkey’s vagina like so many angry hornets. That’s completely different. My mistake.

You know what? No. (I don’t know why I’m bothering to argue against the defense of donquito-rape, BUT.) No part of my body has ever maybe “come in contact with a donkey’s vagina by accident.” And if you find yourself in a position where that sentence is not only logical, but it is a compelling defense against something much worse, then you are doing literally everything wrong. I mean, considering the situation and Romero’s goggle-eyed mugshot, this is not a person with full cognitive function and I hope he receives some sort of drug and/or psychiatric treatment as soon as possible (yeah, right, Florida, I’m sure). But generally, people, pro tip: If you find yourself having to “check for wood shavings and debris” as part of your standard sexual procedure, just go ahead and assume that your sex life is not, let’s say, average, and it MIGHT not be uptight, puritanical Florida (!?!?) that’s the problem. Just a thought.

Thank you. This has been Keep Your Penis Out of the Mini-Donk: A Very Special Jez-isode. If you need me I’ll be over here using my saliva and fingers to clean debris off my soul.