Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we give our best friend Kacey Musgraves a call and meet up for brunch, see a movie after, walk around the park and talk about life, get an afternoon snack at some place on the High Line, spend the evening at her house watching OITNB and ordering Seamless, and then wake up from a very good dream and stumble to the magazine store in the heat to see what famous people are actually up to. This week: Kourtney’s pregnant, Justin’s cheating, Brangie’s divorcing, and Kaitlyn looks more and more like Miley’s sister every single day.

Pop a melatonin and finish reading before it kicks in.


OK!

KOURTNEY PREGNANT & BETRAYED!

Kourtney Kardashian is EIGHT WEEKS PREGNANT and she’s LEAVING SCOTT. For good this time. I guess. Maybe. Who knows. So what happened was, Kourtney found out she was pregnant, told Scott, and he “hit the roof.” It’s not clear with what he hit the roof, but the roof was hit, and Kourtney has since told him to hit the road. An insider says “he’s coming completely undone” and that “the only way he knows how to handle difficult situations is by boozing. He’s a mess.” He recently went out in NYC, did coke and Quaaludes, then had sex with a “hot young 21-year-old girl” - all while Kourtney was taking care of the family at home. And because he’s always out partying, she “basically feels like she’s raising the kids alone.” Scott says “he can’t live with a woman who’s so controlling,” but I’m not sure what, exactly, she’s been controlling.

Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin are moving in together! It’s easy to forget about this couple because they’re so rarely photographed together, but sources say Jen has “started moving her stuff into Chris’ $14 million Malibu mansion.” I’m picturing her knocking on his door holding a single box of things. Some succulents, a few Blu-rays, her favorite mug, the Oscar she won for Silver Linings Playbook sticking out of the flaps. “Just set it over there,” Chris says as he points to the living room, where Gwyneth is sitting, drinking tea. “Hey Jen!” she says. “Oh. You’re here.” “Yep! Chris and I got breakfast this morning so I thought I’d drop by. Aw, you brought your Oscar? I used to keep mine in the kitchen.” Jen just sighs and pulls a beer out of the fridge.

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You know, I knew this was coming, but I didn’t expect it to happen so quickly. Now that Caitlyn Jenner has revealed herself to the world, tabloids have begun to call her a “diva.” I believe today marks the first instance of what will surely be many. An insider says “For years I knew Bruce as a nice, humble, genuine guy, and now I know Caitlyn to be just the opposite.”

Her diva-like behavior:

  • Being “fixated on lighting and what angle the crew shoots her from.”
  • “She’s a little rude and arrogant and short-tempered.”
  • She’s a “seriously sassy woman.”
  • She’s “obsessing over her face” and “her twitter account.”
  • She required toilets that “flush themselves” be installed in her renovated home.

They also wrote that her gender “has changed.” Cool. Never accept the pickle juice, Cait. Never ever.

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And Also:

  • Famous people can’t stop floating on inflatable swans.
  • The couple from Married at First Sight is miserable. Who’d have thunk?
  • Khloe Kardashian is in love with Houston Rockets player James Harden.
  • Paris Hilton’s new beau is worth $200M.
  • Gwen Stefani only hangs out with her kids when photographers are around.
  • Tamra Judge only gets baptized when photographers are around.
  • Maybe Ireland Baldwin was attacked by three men. But, then again, maybe she wasn’t.
  • Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting is “secretly worried” Ryan Sweeting is cheating on her. I’m publicly worried that I’m about to start caring about them.

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Grade: C- (You start caring about the life of Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting.)


Life & Style

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YES, I’M ENGAGED

The first sentence of this Life & Style exclusive is……......“Something was wrong.” If only the full store were as exciting as its lede. Basically, the magazine “has exclusively learned that in one of the biggest twists in the show’s history, Kaitlyn allowed not just one, but both finalists to get down on one knee and propose to her.” Kaitlyn said no to one of them, and yes to the other. The magazine reports they’re “still happily engaged,” but that should surprise no one. Engagements are the norm on this show. Actual marriages? Those are a rarity. It’s cool that you said, “Yes,” to one of those dudes, Kait, but gimme a call when you say, “I do.”

Love & Hip Hop star Sincere Show (I don’t know her) “hinted” that Jay and Bey’s “marriage is loveless, calling it a ‘business decision.’” Another source says Jay’s constant partying has helped create a “lonely life for Beyonce.” Whoa. Two famous people getting married...for reasons...other than love? Wow. Ahhhh. Jeez. I’m gonna need to sit down. Can someone hold my things? I need a minute.

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Hold on. Another minute, please.

Deep breaths, Bobby.

OK. I think I’m good. That was just so unexpected. Who knew celebrity love could be...a lie?

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Oh damn it:

And Also:

  • Mama June says Sugar Bear is gay, gay, gay.
  • Phil Collins just bought a $33M “Miami mansion once owned by Jennifer Lopez.”
  • Kelly Osbourne “was treated for a poisonous spider bite on June 15.”
  • Mila and Ashton want a second baby. Can you hear Demi Moore screaming?
  • Olivia Munn and Aaron Rodgers are about to break up. *Sips tea*
  • I know it’s old news but I’m so happy Charlize broke up with Sean. Meanwhile, 44% of Life&Style readers think “Charlize should give Sean another chance.”
  • If you don’t own a perforated tote, don’t bother leaving the house again for the rest of your life.
  • Wear gingham or I’ll start calling you a diva in print.

Wrong Answer:

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Grade: D+ (You lent your favorite perforated tote to your bff and then she lost it.)


inTouch

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BRAD & ANGELINA SHOCKER: DIVORCE ANNOUNCEMENT

Watch out, Bennifer 2.0 (happy now, Jolie?), because you’re not the only A-listers headed for divorce. After 10 years together and just one year of marriage, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are calling it quits. A source has told In Touch that “increasing tensions fueled by epic arguments, a growing power struggle, and humiliating secrets have left Brad and Angie’s marriage in ruins” and that “they’ve agreed to split.” Brad is “beyond miserable,” Angie has already had a breakdown, and “sometimes they don’t speak for days.” Want more proof? “Angie traveled alone with Shiloh to Turkey on June 20 in honor of World Refugee Day.” That’s seals it. They’re through. No more soup for Brangie.

Kaitlyn had a “FANTASY SUITE NIGHTMARE” while filming this season of The Bachelorette. An insider (perhaps Chris Harrison?) told InTouch that, while enjoying some alone time in the show’s notorious Intercourse Room Fantasy Suite, “the production team burst into the room without notice with cameras, microphones and equipment in tow.” And they weren’t just chattin’ about Game of Thrones - they were doing it. “The former dance instructor and her suitor were caught in a very compromising position!” Wanna place bets on which one?

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AhhhhHHHHHHHHHHH three tabloids in a row!

In which Bella Thorne sort of shades herself:

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And Also:

  • Married at First Sight is “the most dangerous show on TV”
  • Tom Cruise hasn’t seen Suri in 646 days. Ugh, I remember back when he was only at 212. In less than a year, he’ll be at 917!
  • John Stamos is “out of control.”
  • Bob Saget is “jealous” of John.
  • Mary-Kate & Ashley are “falling apart.”
  • Dave Coulier has a “pervy past.”
  • No one know where Vicky is.
  • Bey and Jay want another baby, and this time they’re going to use a surrogate. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
  • mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
  • mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
  • mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
  • mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
  • mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
  • mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
  • mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
  • mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
  • mmmmm.

Wrong Answer:

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Grade: F (You’re locked in a room with Bob Saget, Dave Coulier, and Vicky’s ghost.)


Star

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JEN CONFRONTS JUSTIN’S SECRET GIRLFRIEND

First Jennifer Aniston was more pregnant than ever. Then she was more done with him than ever. And now she’s more betrayed than ever. An insider reports that Justin Theroux is cheating on her and that their relationship has been destroyed. The unidentified homewrecker (to be fair, the home is still under construction) is “supposedly a pretty blonde.” Hmmm, sounds like someone has a type. OK. So. Jen was all, “Quit cheating on me with this random blonde!” Justin was like, “I’m not! We’re just coworkers!” But that didn’t stop Jen from CONFRONTING HER in a restaurant in New York City’s West Village recently. “She immediately asked this blonde if she’d had an affair with Justin. I mean, it was ballsy. This woman was so taken aback, she looked like she was about to die. She just said, ‘No, no,’ and quickly left.” LOOKED LIKE SHE WAS ABOUT TO DIE. Part of me wants to piss off Jennifer Aniston so I can experience the thrill of being yelled at by her in a crowded restaurant.

Rob Kardashian has a “death wish” and his “self destructive behavior has...worsened over the last few months.” All he does all day is sit “alone in a darkened room...eating junk food, watching sports or movies, and playing video games. Then at night, he’ll stay up till all hours playing online poker.” But no one in his family seems to care! “Even Khloe, who’s been his most sympathetic sister, has started giving up on him. She’s told Rob he needs to shape up or get out.” But...maybe the recent tweets between him and Kim means this story is bullshit and that they do care about him?

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Star did not call Caitlyn Jenner a “diva,” but they did call Katharine McPhee one! A “C-list Diva,” to be exact.

And Also:

  • Tallulah Willis fell off the wagon.
  • Ty Pennington made eggs.
  • Kate Hudson and Matt Bellamy reunited.
  • Carrie Underwood thinks Miranda Lambert should quit music.
  • Star thinks Rihanna should quit Karim Benzema.
  • Kim thinks Kylie should quit Tyga.
  • Hollywood execs think Margot Robbie should quit being so fat.

Wrong Answer:

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Grade: D- (You do something to intentionally piss off Jennifer Aniston, but all she does is politely ask you to stop.)


Appendix:

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Fig 1. Life & Style

Fig 2. InTouch

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Fig 3. InTouch

Fig 4. InTouch


Contact the author at bobby@jezebel.com.

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