A few weeks ago, I fulfilled two lifelong dreams, one conscious and one very subconscious. The first: I attended a Shania Twain concert. (Should you desire, you can read about that heavenly experience here.) The second: I drank beer out of a straw for what felt like the first time.

The venue Madison Square Garden, in case you were unaware, houses basketball games (the New York Knicks), hockey games (the New York Rangers), and concerts (Billy Joel). This means that you can attend a concert but still have the feeling, as is the case at many other arena shows, that you’re about to see a lot of sweaty men touch each other in a non-boy band way.

Depending on the performance, these two experiences are not actually that different from one another. At the last arena show I went to, held at a football stadium, the energy was quite similar to the drunken disorderly content that often accompanies sporting events. But other concerts are slightly classier, so to drink a large beer (the best beverage available for the right price at these types of venues) is the only correct choice.

You’ve sat in the seats available at these types of shows; they’re close together and sort of awkward. And there you are, climbing over people with a large beer, about to spill. How to remedy this? Cover it with a top — and don’t stop there. Stick a straw in it, and sip.

“Oh duh, I’ve done that Kate.” “This is an old approach, where the fuck have you been?” “Honey, I liked some of your blogs better than others this week.” I anticipate all your responses, mom’s included, and welcome them.

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I counter: how often do you drink beer through a straw at places other than sporting events? In your home, on your couch, perhaps slightly prone? Sitting on a stoop so the fucking cops don’t give you a summons for drinking? On a roof with the breeze hitting the back of your neck just right? At your nana’s house because you know she’s down?

This weekend, do yourself a favor: grab a big cup with a top and stick a straw in that bad boy. It’ll bring you back to sub-youth, when bottle service wasn’t a way to throw your dick around but a legitimate way of life. Wanna be classy? Up the ante and try prosecco through a straw! It’s the freakin’ weekend y’all, and the world is your oyster.*

* I solemnly swear I am not yet intoxicated.


Contact the author at dries@jezebel.com.