I Have So Many Questions About Alec Baldwin and Woody Allen’s Instagram Live

As if the world isn’t teeming with enough reminders that we’re currently living in hell, Alec Baldwin recently announced he would interview Woody Allen via Instagram Live—for reasons no one has been able to explain. Baldwin’s spin on Variety’s “Actors on Actors” talk show appears to be “Criminals on Criminals,” and the Tuesday morning interview itself has raised more questions than answers, really.

Over the course of nearly an hour, the two extremely, err, “controversial” men managed to share the most boring conversation I’ve ever reluctantly witnessed. At no point did either of them acknowledge the dozens of elephants in the room—Baldwin remains under police investigation for fatally shooting a cinematographer on the set of Rust last year, and Allen’s stepdaughter Dylan Farrow maintains that he sexually abused her as a child, among other controversies. Instead, they discussed their shared hatred of technology and streaming, and Allen’s writing process.

The Live between one man who has literally killed someone with a prop gun and another who married his own daughter and is accused of child sexual abuse generated absolutely nothing of any relevance, proving “canceled” male artists aren’t really even that interesting to begin with. (They’re never really canceled, either, seeing as some other powerful man will always be there to platform them with an Instagram Live chat.) Allen divulged he has an upcoming film in Paris in the works, and that he’s considering quitting directing—though how much of that is up to him, and not diminished appetite to work with alleged abusers, is unclear. “I’ll probably make at least one more movie. A lot of the thrill is gone,” Allen said, before bitching at length about how movies are no longer “enjoyable” because of streaming.

And that was pretty much it.

Throughout the interview, I was left wondering why, or rather how, it had even come to take place—I imagine they both have their hands full with all the lawsuits. As for the “why”: ostensibly to promote Allen’s new book which was released this month, I guess, but, like, on an existential level—why? Why did this have to happen? And if Allen is “canceled,” how does he have a new book and upcoming movie to promote??

Further, why was the climax of this whole thing Baldwin’s off-screen interaction with his housekeeper? In response to one of the three times that Allen’s internet connection gave out, Baldwin responded by screaming in Spanish at his housekeeper to… somehow fix Allen’s internet connection. Throughout the hour-long interview, Allen’s internet connection seemed to be the only one with the good sense to shut it all down, and each time, Baldwin determined that this was a problem only his housekeeper could address—that, or the Instagram Live was all an elaborate set-up to prove his wife, Hilaria Baldwin, really is, Spanish, and even taught him the language of her people??

Of course, I have many more questions about this event, too: Why was Baldwin wearing a visor indoors? The only apparent reason for this wardrobe choice seems to have been so that Baldwin could wrap up the interview by telling Allen, “I tip my visor to you” (???). Is that something people even say??

And why were comments on the Instagram Live disabled?? OK, sure, this question is more rhetorical than anything—it’s likely neither Baldwin nor Allen wanted to be publicly berated over silly little things, like, say, killing someone, or sexually abusing a child. But at least on Sunday, when Baldwin announced the interview, he claimed he had “ZERO INTEREST in anyone’s judgments and sanctimonious posts here.” He added that he “COULD NOT CARE LESS about anyone else’s speculation,” but the Instagram Live’s comment settings suggested otherwise!

Finally, why was the interview so boring?? The event was clearly all about shock factor and publicity—if Baldwin’s numerous interviews framing himself as the real victim of the Rust set shooting make one thing clear, it’s his perennial need to be the center of attention. If either man had so much as referenced their respective scandals, or briefly railed against “cancel culture” instead of smartphones and streaming, the Live could have driven the news cycle for the rest of the week.

I can never get back the hour of my life I—for some reason (morbid curiosity? self-loathing? masochism?)—spent watching this. But I take some comfort in the fact that, at the very least, it was so dreadfully boring I’ll probably never have to hear about it again.