"I Feel Like Michael Stipe Did A Song With Neneh Cherry About Abortion When I Was In High School..."

Illustration for article titled "I Feel Like Michael Stipe Did A Song With Neneh Cherry About Abortion When I Was In High School..."

The Anonymous Lobbyist and I do "Crappy Hour" every morning with the best of intentions, but sometimes we got a little side-tracked, and today after the usual sobering discussion of the latest terror strike in Afghanistan and the ramifications of the unrest in Pakistan, we um mostly talked about high school. Would we have been friends in high school? Would we have fronted one another abortion money if needs be? It was all touched off by the story of this kid in Stafford, Virginia who won permission to organize an anti-abortion club. You know you're dying to join the chat!


YOUNGJEZZY: The riverboat gambling economy is thriving despite Katrina, Pakistani economy is thriving despite the fact that it's not really clear who is going to be in charge of things over there, Britney is back at the top of the charts, although said "charts" are about as relevant as she is, and Guangdong province — hey, that's the one I used to live in! — is suing Mattel for libel. But I think that we can all agree that the case of the kid who sued for the right to set up an antiabortion club at her public school is the most important news of the day...
HOTELLOBBYIST: Well, I guess we know who won't be getting laid after the prom this year in Stafford County, anyway
I actually have to admit, I had friends in high school who had trouble getting the school to let them start a Bible study club and when they finally did, a bunch of us joined as a fuck you to the school board.
I can't believe this shit is all still controversial like, well, a bunch of years later.
YOUNGJEZZY: I'm in favor of her right to have the club, namely because sooner or later, someone in the club is going to need to GET AN ABORTION.
HOTELLOBBYIST: Wait, isn't that like when it rains on your wedding day or something?
YOUNGJEZZY: But I can see, judging from the way she calls it a "holocaust" and shit in her registration, how the administration would be like, "Oh man, do we have to let them have their first amendment rights already?"
HOTELLOBBYIST: I mean, at some point you're just so outrageously stupid that you're marginalizing yourself and your own viewpoint, and the rest of us ought to let you.
Plus, you you Stafford County ain't exactly liberal.
I just feel like no one has done more to expose the persistent hatred and horribleness with which homosexuals deal with on a daily basis to the uninterested masses than the Westboro Baptist Church
YOUNGJEZZY: I'd like to see a study on how the percentage of people who identify as pro-life dwindles after high school. To me, in a lot of ways, being pro-life is just another way of being a "good kid." The reason they get so crazy about it is because it's seriously the only political issue anyone in high school feels directly affected by.
HOTELLOBBYIST: I mean, I think everyone (Code Pink ladies excepted) is more radical in their youth than they are later in life.
YOUNGJEZZY: And then, if you make it through high school to a Christian college where you meet a Christian spouse and then go immediately about the business of setting up a Christian household, I can see how it's possible to stay in the mindset that, yes, abortion and rap lyrics and promiscuous homosexuality are these huge big terrible threats to our way of life or whatever; that's because it's really the most shocking shit any of these people come into contact with.
HOTELLOBBYIST: I mean, maybe I just came from a poor-ish high school, but my concern when I was a teenager having my first pregnancy scare is that there was no way I could've funded an abortion without my parents' help, which keeping my sex life from them would've been 90% of the point of having one.
YOUNGJEZZY: But that's a big stretch. Mostly everyone has sex, and then they have the realization, well, that it's not really a big deal...
Oh that's fascinating. I wasn't having sex in high school, but I always had a pretty decent job and I knew that I could get an abortion in DC or Maryland or something. At the time — even though, as like, a fresman, I was totally "pro-life" — I knew all the laws thanks to a liberal buddy of mine.
Who also got me into R.E.M.
HOTELLOBBYIST: HA. No, I made $4.35 working retail at the mall, and an abortion was like a couple hundred dollars.
YOUNGJEZZY: And I feel like R.E.M. did a song with Neneh Cherry about abortion and then I began to see it as, you know, the normal thing to do.
HOTELLOBBYIST: R.E.M. was the first rock concert I ever went to.
YOUNGJEZZY: I made .... between $6 and $8 but I had several jobs and CRAZY hours. I don't remember the first rock concert I ever went to. Maybe it was They Might Be Giants?
Or an HFS-tival when I was very young..
HOTELLOBBYIST: And I'm still pissed that he stayed officially closeted for years. Like, how much good could he have done if he hadn't, as popular as they were?
Yeah, where I grew up, I couldn't work more than like 15 hours a week under state law
YOUNGJEZZY: I was never into Michael Stipe in that way, though remember how him and Natalie Merchant were "linked" or whatever? I had a huge crush on Kurt Cobain and Stephen Malkmus. Oh, and Chris Cornell.
HOTELLOBBYIST: Well, I mean I wasn't into Michael Stipe sexually. I was more into actors than the boys in the band overall.
Like, my sister and I had the hugest crushes on Neil Patrick Harris. When he came out, I called her immediately.
So there was a deadly bombing in a factory north of Kabul that killed off a bunch of the country's important people, a crisis on Wall Street threatening our entire financial services industry, 46% of Americans are ready to go to war with Iran, and we're sitting here, reliving high school abortion politics. Ha!
HOTELLOBBYIST: I suppose we could be serious, but I feel rather shallow this morning. It's Tuesday.
YOUNGJEZZY: We were SO substantial yesterday, too.
Also this conversation makes me think of the question, "Would we have been friends in high school?"
It's hard, because you don't know everyone, but in a way you do!
HOTELLOBBYIST: Who's to say, really? I mean, I was like the yearbook editor and in the drama club and shit like that, straight A student. My parents were like super-strict.
And I wanted to get the fuck outta Dodge after graduation, and the only road was a scholarship to college, so I wasn't fucking around with my reputation or anything (recommendations being rather important).
Wait, actually, and now I do all this shit anonymously and everyone I work with thinks I'm all nice and smart and stuff. So, not that much has changed.
YOUNGJEZZY: Yeah I haven't either. (I say as I pick my zits.)
HOTELLOBBYIST: OMG, then you have to get one of these. They're more addictive than crack.



Since all of the abortion chat has been covered I'd just like to say that I think I would have been friends with both of you in high school (at least as much as this coversation reveals) and that pleases me greatly as I didn't really have alot of friends.