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If you live on the East Coast, buckle up because we’re in for a cold, stormy week ahead (with some snow!) And thankfully the Washington Post has a comprehensive report on the upcoming weather and it is one of the most dramatic weather reports I’ve ever read.

The lengthy review seems like it was written by an especially confident student who has just discovered the wonders of a thesaurus or perhaps Mariah Carey, noted lover of intense words. So according to Jason Samenow of the Post, here’s how the “monster storm” weather is going to play out:

  • Severe weather will “assault” the area this week.
  • The storm will “hammer” coastal locations.
  • The storm will “batter” New England.
  • The storm will be “exploding” and the snow will be “blinding.”
  • The storm is going to become a “bomb cyclone” according to forecasters, because apparently that’s a real descriptor.
  • “In the storm’s wake, the mother lode of numbing cold will crash south — likely the last but most bitter in brutal blasts since Christmas Eve.” Okay, Jesus.
  • The storm at some point will “explosively intensify” across the Mid-Atlantic and New England...
  • ...and then it will be “explosively intensifying” again across Long Island and eastern New England on Thursday!
  • “Winds will be considerably stronger over the ocean—exceeding hurricane force—where enormous waves will form.” Which is literally a plot point in The Day After Tomorrow.
  • And if the storm “wobbles west” it could create blizzard conditions.
  • Ultimately, “the storm’s enormous circulation will help draw several lobes of the polar vortex.” Several! Lobes!

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Are you riveted? I’m riveted.

Listen, I get it, there are only so many ways you can write “snowing” and “raining” and “high winds.” But this storm better live up to the hype. I better step outside and be immediately frozen on contact or I’m never reading a weather report again.