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"I Do Know That You Will Kill Me If I Slip On Anything… That's Why I'm Afraid Of You Haha."

Illustration for article titled I Do Know That You Will Kill Me If I Slip On Anything… Thats Why Im Afraid Of You Haha.

There are two types of friends in this world: those who hate your on-again off-again boyfriend-esque fuck person with the passion of a jihadi, and those who don't really mind him, whatever, he's going to be back anyway so might as well make light conversation etc. etc. I personally tend to fall into the latter camp, but Laura does not. And Kurt, her best friend Tracy's on again-again off-again layabout wannabe writer recently-no-longer-ex-boyfriend knows it. So he sent her an email professing his love — well, his "love" and alternately his "like" — for Tracy and entreating Laura for a fresh start of sorts. Laura was less than charmed. But in lieu of sabotaging the rekindled love affair — did we mention Tracy is at present withholding sex, a la "The Rules"? Because that's always a good sign — she decided to send it to us, with some editorial commentary. And despite my pacifistic tendencies, I'd say she's doing girlkind a service, because while it's always nice to hear a dude wants to be "the best person in your life," you have to question the relationship with reality enjoyed by someone who says such a thing while simultaneously being the worst person in his own.



For whatever reason I feel compelled to write to you in regards to Tracy. [There's only one reason — you're a tool -Laura]


I know she has some doubts. I know some of her friends have doubts. I know this whole things seems like some sort of horrible roller coaster or a fairy tale or some whirlwind of emotions that don't make sense.

I understand why she, and others, have these trepidations - I was pretty much an asshole for most of the past year and didn't treat this girl with the kindness and respect she deserves. I was selfish and wrong. And you guys all know it. She does too.

I know it sounds cliche, but I really did just wake up a few weeks ago after I took Tracy out for her graduation. Something just clicked and it all made sense...not just with her, but with life plans and other things [OK seriously—this line just completely reminded me of Willy Loman. hint: he turns out to be DELUSIONAL -Laura]

The past few weeks have been pretty good, actually. Despite the fact that I didn't sleep or eat much because I was really broken up over everything, I felt good that we were working on being friends and building a base. We're still going to do that. [I like how he speaks on your behalf -Laura]


I just want you to know, because you're her best friend (and that makes me scared of you haha), that these "overnight" changes are true [Note that he admits they're OVERNIGHT — you know what else changes overnight? A WEREWOLF. and you know what werewolves do? RUIN LIVES. -Laura] I would NOT have made a small push [A small push would be a call congratulating you on graduating and maybe giving you a present. what he made was a tidal wave that basically drowned you into submission. -Laura] at yet another chance if I wasn't going to be the man I should have been all along. I realized I LIKE talking to her on the phone all the time; LIKE doing the things she wants to do...I like everything about her (except the olive thing, I can't understand that). [But not LOVE, and for someone who obviously has no reservations about throwing that word around, this terribly weakens his argument. Also, i don't think someone who enjoys something should make it out to be torture...unless you're the marquis de sade. -Laura]

I want to be the best person in her life. I want, when she's busy at law school and needs 10 minutes to come up for her, I want that 10 minutes to be with me and to put her at ease.


My intentions are genuine, I promise. I'm not asking you to call her up and say "Oh Tracy, Kurt's such a great guy. Don't worry anymore." [Judging from the content of this email, I'm not sure why you felt this a necessary qualifier to make, but okay. -Laura] Not at all. I just want you to know that there's more at play here and I understand what it takes to be a good friend and a good boyfriend. [Right…unrelenting pestering, day after day of 1000-plus-word emails, and showering of gifts...delivered at 1 am. -Laura]

And these aren't just feelings of infatuation or "the chase" or anything like that. I was wary of that myself. But after we got back together, I talked to Jeremy, and he asked me "Do you still feel the same way you've felt the past few weeks?" And I said "I feel it more." [Yeah, because she stopped having sex with you, asshole. -Laura]. I've always felt strongly about Tracy, I just buried it a little bit with stupid thoughts and idiotic ideas like running away to California. And I let those things get the better of me. No excuses - I take full responsibility. But I'm not letting those things get in the way of my heart anymore. I know what's important and I know what I feel. And I know how she feels. [Clearly. -Laura]


I know she loves me a lot - she wouldn't have done this if she didn't. [Kurt: a show of emotion displayed under duress does not a love declaration make. Tracy: please tell me I am right here? -Laura] I love her an incredible amount - I wouldn't have had my little "awakening" if I didn't. Everytime I'm with her I feel like my life's a little better. And I know that she feels that way too. [Dear Kurt: There's a reason why her friends don't like you, and it's not just because you've have the same job since high the public library. Regards, Laura]

I know I've given you and her and everyone no reason to trust me or believe me or put faith in me. I don't know if I would if I were in your shoes. But I'm just asking you...let me show you. [Sure! i'd like a season pass to the Yankees, a ticket to the Bruce Springsteen concert, every song on your playlist, and lots and lots of all different kinds of food related to the Italian people—and for you to love me even if I get really, morbidly obese. I'd also like for you to speak in Italian and only Italian. -Laura]Give it the chance - we do have a strong love and we are pretty damn good friends and when you put the two together...hey...that's beautiful. [No comment.]


If I don't come through, feel free to strike me down man. I'll deserve it. [You already do. -Laura] But it's not going to happen. [It already has -Laura.] I already promised that to her, and I'm going to promise it to you as her best friend. This girl means just about everything to me, and I intend to make sure she knows it every day.

So that's that. I just wanted to let you know. And I do know that you will kill me if I slip on anything...that's why I'm afraid of you haha.


Thanks for reading this. And, if you decide to, thanks for giving me the chance. Now let's both get writing jobs that don't pay 5 cents an hour and don't suck... [Already have one, but thanks for allowing my identity to be subsumed by your self-absorption as well. -Laura]

- Kurt [What? No 'Love, Kurt'? Not even a 'Best'? Or maybe, 'worst'? Yeah, fuck you too. -Laura]

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@rocknrollunicorn: yeah, he reminds me of a roommate's ex— at least in the mindfuck her up/break up/mindfuck her again/get back together/break up pattern that seems to have happened. except this guy, instead of writing concilatory emails to her friends, would RUN out of our house in the morning. like, sprint down the stairs, out the door, and across the lawn sort of running.

but to be honest, if he'd sent an email like this, i'd probably mock it mercilessly too. once i've seen someone fuck over a friend, it's practically impossible for me to forgive them.