I Already Loathe Smurfs 3D

Even though The Smurfs won’t hit theaters until 2011, it’s pretty clear the film is a bad idea.

Is the fact that it’s a CGI/live action hybrid supposed to excite us? Because it makes me GROAN. As a former kid who loved both The Smurfs and Sesame Street, it seems like cartoons should be cartoons. And puppets should be puppets. CGI fucking sucks! Yoda was awesome back when he was a Muppet, because he was actually in the scene and light actually hit his features and you actually believed he was real. CGI Yoda looks like CGI — fake! Jurassic Park had terrifying scenes because there of the animatronic dinosaurs— existing on the same plane and in the same realm as the humans, and not added later. Live human beings interacting with CGI Smurfs is soooo 1988. Was it fun and ground-breaking back when Paula Abdul danced with MC Scat Cat or when Bob Hoskins throttled Roger Rabbit? Yeah, sure. But that was years ago. And these will be digital Smurfs that look like puppets. Ugh.

Why must everything abut 30 years old be “improved”? Strawberry Shortcake got a makeover she didn’t need. Rainbow Brite was forced to lose her baby fat and grow up. The highly unnecessary Laverne & Shirley remake is underway, as are TWO new Wizard Of Oz movies. You can’t look back on anything fondly anymore. It has to be ruined.

These new Smurfs? They’re not frolicking in a quaint mushroom village as they should be. They’re hitting the mean streets of New York. Since Hollywood just loves shitting all over our childhood memories, Gargamel is not a cartoon, but a real man played by Hank Azaria. Johan is also a real person, played by Neil Patrick Harris. No word on Azrael or Sebastian. Actors were also cast for the Smurf voices, so George Lopez is the voice of Grouchy Smurf, Pee-Wee Herman is Jokey Smurf, and mothertrucking Katy Perry is Smurfette. Are your eyes rolling back into your head yet? Consider this: The movie is being directed by Raja Gosnell, responsible for Scooby Doo, Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed and Beverly Hills Chihuahua. I don’t have to wait until next summer. I absosmurfly hate this project.