How to Talk To Your Butt About Nicki Minaj

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Nicki Minaj's butt has been stealing the spotlight lately, and your butt may be feeling unappreciated and rather… low. Gazing upon all that bouncy buoyancy can make the average derrière feel downright diminished and deflated. Here's how to talk to your butt about Nicki Minaj.


Be Honest

Not every derrière is destined for greatness, and that's okay. You can give your booty the cold, hard facts: Nicki Minaj's rear end defies logic, gravity and the laws of physics, and was, most likely, surgically enhanced. Let your butt know you're not expecting it to look like that and it might just perk right up.

Look On The Bright Side Of The Moon

Think of it this way: At least butts are on everyone's lips! Your butt should be happy that her kind are being celebrated. Sometimes butts are forced to take a back seat while the culture focuses on other body parts. Your butt has suffered through titty takeovers and midriff moments. Butts are back.

Read Your Butt Some Ass-pirational Quotes

It is not who you are that holds you back, my dearest derriere, it is who you think you're not.


There are no small butts, only small seats.

And be sure and hang some moving words in the mirror where your butt can see it when you back that ass up: (The "small crack" one is especially poignant for butts.)

Image for article titled How to Talk To Your Butt About Nicki Minaj
Image for article titled How to Talk To Your Butt About Nicki Minaj

Do Some Ass-Kissing

Remind your butt how much you love it just the way it is. It padded you when you fell while ice-skating. It spent years grinding on dudes in the club and never once complained. It has proven itself squeezable, smackable and irresistible to intimate partners. Your butt has done a great job, truly. Give it a good exfoliating scrub and lie around with it in the air for a while.


Shake Your Booty

Your butt loves to shimmy. It doesn't need to be a titanic tush to have a good time. You don't have to be Nicki Minaj to dance. Play some ass-centric tunes from the bards of booty for your hot heinie: KC and the Sunshine Band, Mystikal, Sisqo, Juvenile, Sir Mix A Lot, Major Lazer, Spinal Tap, etc. A little dance party (and some squats… and some stairs) should give your butt a lift.

Never Forget

Maybe the fact that your ass hasn't reached Minajian levels of epic is a blessing? People have faith in you, and they might not if your rump was more rotund. In the Immortal Words of Bell Biv DeVoe, you can't trust a big butt and a smile.


Emma Golddigger

My butt and I mostly just discuss politics.