How To Recruit Ladies For The Lesbian "Lifestyle"

Illustration for article titled How To Recruit Ladies For The Lesbian "Lifestyle"

Although there's few better recruitment tactics than seeing a previously very publicly straight, publicly unhappy woman (who recently told Harpers Bazaar that she's bisexual but not a lesbian) look happy on the arm of an equally happy lady-partner, the British magazine Gay Times recently asked a number of advertising firms to come up with advertisements to do what the LGBT community has too often been accused of: recruit Breeders for the Gay Lifestyle. Unfortunately, they were all focused on straight men — and several of them were about why it sucks to date women. But what about putting some L in the LGBT recruiting agenda?Although a straight woman myself, my prior career was in lobbying — so I pretty much got paid to convince people to do stuff they didn't necessarily want to do. That's advertising, right? While I can't quite do the graphic design work that went into Gay Times' man-pussy ad or its "women are all stupid, frightening bitches" ad or even any of its three "get laid more" ads, I can push out a list of talking points like a mofo. So, following are the talking points lesbians really need to start using to recruit more women to the Sapphic Lifestyle.

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  • Breasts are fun. They just are.
  • You know how you used to fish for compliments about your shoes from your boyfriend? Yeah, don't worry about it.
  • You'll never have to smell schweaty balls again.
  • You know you always kiss a guy after he goes down on you, so you can't claim squeamishness.
  • When you cry, your girlfriend won't try to make fix the problem, she'll just let you have your feelings.
  • Double your wardrobe, double your fun.
  • Body hair maintenance really is optional.
  • Rachel Maddow. You know you want her.
  • No woman will ever try to use her teeth on you during oral.
  • And, if you're really one of those girly-girls who is super into the Dream Princess Wedding, there's only one thing to say: two wedding dresses.

Anything to add, ladies? Homo Promo. Yes, You Read that Right. [Ad Rants] GT Homo Promo [Facebook] Related: Lindsay Lohan: Myth vs. Reality [Harpers Bazaar] Earlier: Rachel Maddow For President (Of Cable News, That Is)

DISCUSSION

This might be a little controversial, but in my experience, I found it very interesting to note that when sleeping with a woman, there was a total lack of subliminal threat, a kind of equality in the room which was very relaxing.

I have never been raped or even seriously sexually threatened, and my boyfriend is a very gentle guy, but he, like most men, is stronger than me. And, he's a guy. And whether or not you're aware of it, that creates a power dynamic in the bedroom. Hetero sex is, at the end, about penetration, and penetration, even if welcomed, is an intrusion.

I'm probably not conveying this properly but I did find sleeping with a woman to be very relaxing, very comforting, noticeably absent in any potential of threat.

Also, much more relaxing in that I didn't at any time feel like I had to be paranoid about hiding unfortunate lumps or anything like that - and again, I'm not at all inhibited in bed or ashamed of my body, but it just was so NOT an issue.

Not sure if I'm explaining this properly, though. Or how it would translate to a tagline in an ad ...