How To Get Totally Famous By Trolling Republican Presidential Candidates

Illustration for article titled How To Get Totally Famous By Trolling Republican Presidential Candidates

Watch out, kissing babies and candidates saying how madly in love they are with the troops— this election cycle, there's a new bit of daily drudgery in town— relentless trolling of candidates by non-supporters whose totally surprise questions for the candidates are captured on video. While many stunts have already been pulled, there's so much more time left before the election, it'd be a shame if any American were excluded from the political troll game. So, to honor the day of the Iowa Caucuses, here's your guide to creating your own "Oh no they didn't" Everyman Confronts Pol Youtube hit, segregated, for your convenience, by Republican Presidential candidate.

Mitt Romney

Mittbot 2012 is difficult to troll, because when his circuit board shorts, he just putters away in the opposite direction as though the undesired question is an obstacle to be avoided and circumvented, like a Roomba who has encountered a pair of Sorels. Thus, the best way to create a Romneycentric entry in America's Most Unfortunate Political Videos would be to ask him a straightforward question, and then run away and put on a fake mustache and a bowler cap and a sequined blazer and a hot pink pageboy wig (or any disguise, really) and return to ask him whether he supports the opposite of what he just told Original You he supported.


Examples: "Mr. Romney, big fan. I'm a mother trying to support her family on income earned by working for a defense contractor. How will you make sure I keep my job?"
"Mr. Romney, big fan. I'm in the US Army. How will you make sure that private defense contractors stop being paid like three times what I make for the same work?"

Rick Santorum

Pennsylvania Dick's poll numbers have been rising, and with his higher profile has come a dial up of dickery. Turns out, a large number of Iowa voters actually like assholes, a lot, and they especially like assholes who can say really awful, frothy things while looking like youth pastors. This weekend, for example, Santorum told a crowd that he in favor of cutting government aid programs because they were insulting to black people (because those blacks and their welfare, amirite?). He's described environmentalism as "a religion," claimed that, as President, he'd bomb Iranian nuclear facilities unless inspectors were allowed in, and that Barack Obama should be anti-abortion rights because he's black. For the whitest guy ever, Rick Santorum sure knows a lot about what's best for black people!

His claim to know about what's best for black people is probably his most trollable trait. Exploit that.

Examples: "Mr. Santorum, as a well-known and highly-regarded expert on black Americans, what advice would you give to a young black woman who wishes to stop chemically straightening her hair?"
"Any advice on dating for a black man looking to settle down?"
"Are 'poor' and 'black' interchangeable words?"
"Who'd you rather: Booker T Washington or W. E. B. DuBois?"


Rick Perry

Remember that time Perry had some sort of brain episode live on television during that Republican debate? He does just fine autotrolling sans prompt. Let his candidacy die a natural death, like a majestic tom turkey.


Ron Paul

Ron Paul is nothing if not a consistent, cagey bastard. Because of his caginess, before attempting the gotcha question on him, you'll have to make him comfortable. Start with a conspiracy theory about the Federal Reserve causing Mexicans to deliberately get AIDS so they get government assistance. Once you have his ear, just ask him to talk about his views on English being the official language of the US, and of abortion. Then ask him to clarify what he means by "small government."


Michele Bachmann

Michele Bachmann has been subjected to all manner of trolling during this election cycle. She's been glitterbombed, shouted over, embarrassed, called out, and waltzed with in front of everyone. Understandably, her campaign is likely wary of interlopers that look like they might be communists, gay, or gay communists, so, unless her handlers actually want her to drop out of the race so their indentured servitude can end (they might!), they'll likely be on the lookout for people who might ask her tough questions like, "What if one of your kids is gay?" or "What about that verse in the first Book of Timothy that says that no woman is permitted to teach or have authority over men? Aren't you a woman? And if you believe that Bible is literally the word of God, isn't what you're doing kind of incorrect?"


No, if you want to troll the Iron Range Lady, you're going to have to enlist your wee one to work as your minion, or actually be child-sized yourself. Coach your child/your tiny self to ask simply worded questions containing easily lispable syllables, and, if you can, work the word "mommy" in there. Sure, people might criticize you for hitting below the belt, but where the hell is your kid supposed to hit Bachmann? Above the belt? Kids can't reach that high.

Examples: Why do you want my gay Mommy to burn forever?
When my mommy sees you on TV, she cries.
My mommy says there's no US embassy in Iran.


Newt Gingrich

Everyone knows that Newt Gingrich has had three wives. But did you know that he's also had three religions? Ask him about his serial monogamytheism.
Example: "Why is Catholicism more correct than Lutheranism or being a Baptist?"


Jon Huntsman

Don't troll him. That's mean.

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I just troll them by writing fiction imagining they are running for president in Westeros. It works because it's the same story, really. In A Song Of Ice And Fire all the pretenders for the crown agree "Not Joffery" as they make ridiculous claims as to why they should rule. In the GOP they all agree "Not Obama" or "Not Mittens" while they make ridiculous claims as to why they should rule.

And, face it, Lysa Tully and Michele Bachmann might as well be the same person.