How to Get Out of a Hook Up When the Guy Is Already in your Apartment

It’s awkward when you realize you don’t want to hook up with a guy who you’ve invited into your apartment for that purpose. But you can and should always be able to stop a hook up you don’t want to have. (Duh). This [Law and Order dum-dum] is my story.

The Background: A few years ago, I was working on a documentary film about a play. One of the actors was very talented and good looking. We didn’t really get to know each other over the course of the week-long shoot, but we exchanged small talk and smiled at each other, like, a lot! The last night there was a cast party. As I was about to leave the party, the actor asked me where I was going. I told him I was going home and when he asked me what neighborhood I lived in, it turned out, that, lo and behold, he was going to the same neighborhood! It was late, so, being two economical people, in a terrible economy, pursuing our artistic passions and hence not making any money, we decided to share a cab.

Game On? During the cab ride, he was perfectly fine and we were getting along swimmingly. So, when we got to my apartment and he asked if he should come up too, I said, “Sure.”

Realization: Once we were in my apartment, however, his behavior changed. He seemed sure of an imminent conquest, and started acting like a douchebag. He started asking me questions about the sex life of my lesbian friend and colleague (whom he met through the shoot). It was a charming mix of bro-ish enthusiasm for all things lesbian and casual homophobia. While I had been attracted to the guy five minutes ago, now the idea of even kissing him viscerally repulsed me.

Desexualization Attempt # 1, or Tea, The Chastest Of Beverages: At this point my aim was to communicate that I didn’t want to hook up with him, in the hopes that he would get the point and leave. I always knew that I could ask him to leave, but was trying to avoid being that frank in case we saw each other again in a professional context. He asked for a drink and though I had some wine, I thought I could use beverage choice to communicate that my feelings had changed. “How about tea instead? [wink, wink, nudge, nudge],” I suggested. Visibly disappointed by my non-alcoholic alternative suggestion (as an actor, he had a very expressive face), he shrugged and said “OK, fine.” Then the following exchange occurred:

Me: “What kind of tea do you want?”
Dude: “Green Tea.”
 Me: “It’s so late and Green Tea has a lot of caffeine in it. Won’t it keep you up?”
Dude: “I’m gonna need caffeine for what we’re gonna be doing, aren’t you?”

GAME OFF. One of the best ways to make sure you won’t hook up with someone (particularly when said person is basically a stranger) is by cockily pronouncing that you are going to hook up with her. Anyway, I put on the water and dropped a caffeine-free peppermint tea bag into a cup.

Desexualization Attempt # 2, or Tea Analysis: Now I was just biding my time, hoping to get him out without having to be too harsh. He continued to be sexually suggestive and generally annoying, so I tried to, once again, re-direct the tone of our conversation. “How is your tea?” I asked him. In retrospect, I realize that was a stupid strategy, since he had already managed to sexualize the beverage. But nothing could have prepared me for his response:

“My Tea is OK. And if in a couple of minutes, your legs are up in a T and you’re screaming ‘papi, give me more,’ that will be good too.”

I almost admired his ability to once again link tea to sexual activity and the rhetorical lengths to which he went in order do so. (I mean, a lesser man would have gone for the low hanging… fruit that is a teabagging pun.) But I couldn’t help but notice just how illogical, nonsensical and unsexy his response was. And it left me with a few impressions:

First of all, I am not Latina and he was not Latino, so I felt the “papi” word choice was problematic and appropriating.
What does having one’s legs in a T mean, anyway?
It seems like that would require being simultaneously double-jointed and knock-kneed.
Would having my legs in said T be conducive to what “we were gonna be doing?” It seems unlikely.
If anything, the position sounded like it would block access to what he had been trying to get into the entire night.

Kick the Asshole Out: I felt like it was now fair for me to ask my gentleman caller to leave, which I did. He expressed disappointment and subtly suggested he had been looking forward to sleeping with me by saying, “But I want to sleep with you.” “Sorry,” I said. “I don’t.” And I got up and escorted him to the door.

Do Not, I Repeat, Do Not Show Him Your Boobs: I opened the door, he walked out and then turned around for one final glance. “Show me,” he said, “your boobs.” At this point, I seriously reconsidered my decision to kick the guy out. After all, it takes a special guy to request a boob viewing from a woman kicking him out of her apartment. And I seriously considered showing him my boobs because I thought that would be a great way to end the night. Also, I was standing in the doorway facing outwards and the chance that a neighbor walking down the hall could see not just my boobs, but that I was exposing myself to a guy standing outside my apartment was seriously appealing. My shirt securely on and buttoned closed, I slammed the door on his face.