How to Be Beautiful on Thanksgiving: A Guide

It’s the kickoff of the holiday season, and as a woman, there’s only one thing that means: marshaling undue amounts of energy to please other people. One great tactic as we continue down this endless winding road is, of course, that of beautification. How can we all be more beautiful on noted beauty holiday, Thanksgiving? Read on, lovelies-that-shall-ever-work-to-be-lovelier, and see.

First, consider adopting “Brigitte Bardot’s signature sexpot blowout for the twenty-first century,” as suggested by Allure. Why is it “the perfect go-to style for Thanksgiving weekend,” you might be asking? Well, it’s good for traveling (you only need one product) or your class reunion (you will look low-maintenance) or Thanksgiving day (it’s quick so you can watch the parade), or Black Friday (you can put it in a ponytail quickly).

Also meeting all of that criteria: just plain hair. But I don’t know much about beauty. I don’t have a beauty closet “infested” with “traditional holiday themes,” like HollywoodLife. If I did I’d infest my tresses with pomegranate, fester my face with pumpkin, crust my neck with Demeter’s apple pie. I feel thankful just thinking about being so beautiful. I’d like to smell so delicious that squirrels gather behind me en masse, planning to eat me. I’m going to think more about as I board an airplane, “eating” water according to Styleblazer’s recommendations and trying to keep my cells from leaking hydration all over the place.

Thanksgiving is full of nothing so much as expectations, so live up to—nay, surpass—expectations with small touches like an accent nail that features a small, glittering turkey. “If you like your holiday nail art effervescent,” other acceptable options include glitter ombre, or Cosmopolitan’s Winter Nail Manicure, or this dizzying series of characters from Charlie Brown. “Wow,” your mom will say. “She’s really got it together.”

Okay, we’ve made some progress. You have sexpot hair, a holiday-infested pumpkin face, and a ring finger with a tiny turkey on it. Now it’s time to dress yourself, as if you were dressing a baby, but the baby is sexy, and the baby is you. Everyone is weighing in on this: MTV, Glamour, Refinery29, the Huffington Post all recommend various stopping points on the spectrum from “comfort” to “hot shit,” all of which I can sum up as follows: clothes. Vogue will teach you how to disguise your body’s natural shape, and Glamour returns to take you to Stars Hollow.

Cosmo, on the other hand, tells you what thou shalt not do: wear feathers, bandage dresses, or veils. But if you’re like me, and you’ve had a Thanksgiving outfit planned for six months that includes a feathered bandage dress with matching veil, don’t worry about it. Everyone will love me anyway.

Is your outside dressed, little baby? That’s just half the battle, or less, because as the wise old turkey women say, beauty comes from within. Dress your holiday cavity with nutritious ingredients to balance out what Lauren Conrad calls “the inevitable damages done.” Pop a “digestive enzyme,” or else how will you live? Take your leftovers and apply them to the outside of your meat-prison: cranberries with brown sugar make a fantastic seasonal body scrub; mixing cooked butternut squash with the yolk of a raw egg will draw those nasty oils from your skin. Scrub your feet with a pumpkin. Life’s too short not to exhaust yourself with effortful indulgence.

Are you done? Are you finally done being beautiful? Maybe, but you’re never done learning. Over the holiday weekend, here’s when to go outside, when to shower, when to put on concealer, and how not to wear something embarrassing in the kitchen. Does this sound so easy you want to cry? Then cry, girlfriend. Then don’t forget to slim your face with makeup, as shame, bloating, and the ceaseless invisible whispers from the Turkey God are telling you to do.