OMG RUDY GIULIANI IS PROBS CROOKED. And, you see, O.J.'s book agent, Judith Regan, who was fired last year from her job at News Corp, has now filed a $100 million lawsuit and... well isn't it just safe to say it STINKS TO HIGH HEAVEN??? Yeah, we feel pretty safe saying that. In other news, power corrupts, India and Russia are friends with benefits, Elizabeth Edwards still has cancer, and we are still all going to die. Pleasant, right? Welcome back to "Crappy Hour," where Wonkette's Megan Carpentier and I force ourselves to read all the stories on Drudge and fantasize about what the country would be like if someone formed a "God Party."
MOE: So like...what is interesting to you today? Is a preposterously rich former agent suing her unthinkably rich former employer in a case that will doubtless uncover all manner of mind-blowingly seamy details about what really goes on in the global Rupert Murdoch media industrial complex interesting to you? Because I seem to be undergoing PMS and I'd rather just be sleeping.
MEG: If we want to talk about rich bitches, how about the fact that the woman who supervised the personnel process at the White House for 2 years oh-so-well just bought a $35 million condo in NYC?
er, sorry, $3.85 million.
MOE: How nice that she is "gorgeous, too."
MEG: Also, if I recall correctly, about our age
MOE: Is she as pretty as Dana Perino? Dana Perino is pretty. But not as pretty as Huma Abedin? And somewhere in there is Laura Morgan. Laura Morgan is one of Glamour's Women Of The Year. Wouldn't you like to be pretty enough to be Woman Of The Year? Or pretty enough to be married to Fred Thompson?
MEG: She's of Middle Eastern descent, so she has that exotic beauty thing going for her. And she's 34, which means that she was actually younger than I am now when she was making all th epersonnel decisionsat the White House.
MOE: Ugh! I have never seen such a Republican-looking woman who was not blond.
MEG: Well, I think in a buttoed up suit like that, we all kind of ook Republican
MOE: I'm with Huma. Speaking of, do you get those crazy emails from that guy who claims that Hillary and Huma are having a LESBIAN AFFAIR?
MEG: How do you think I passed for so many years?
I don't think so, thankfully? I think we ban those kind of people.
MOE: Haha but you are BLONDE! I would totally assume you were a Republican if I saw you from afar in a suit and was deaf.
MEG: Yeah, the voice thing (and topics of conversation) usually give me away!
MOE: So, like, have you been reading all this Regan OJ Kerik Giuliani Murdochsterfuck stuff?
MEG: A little? Like, she was boning Kerik at the pit back in the day, right?
And everyone was afraid that she's scuttle his and/or Rudy's chances because they thought their affair was his worst secret? As if.
MOE: Okay, so BREAKING. I just watched a short segment on MSNBC. They had all their faces connected together, Giuliani and Regan and Kerik and Roger Ailes. And then a big arrow BACK to Murdoch. So yes, they are all connected! And all individually pretty sketchy characters. This we know! This we in fact KNEW! The lady repped a fucking book wherein O.J. tried to bank a few million telling the story of how he murdered two people and got away with it, only HYPOTHETICALLY because otherwise it would be illegal. I mean, what would surprise you coming from these people? Seriously, WHAT? You could tell me Wendi Deng was in cahoots with Russian arms dealers to sell mustard gas to TMZ and Bernie Kerik set all those wildfires in Southern California as part of a botched insurance fraud and that they all orchestrated this writers strike as part of their master plan to transform the 24 franchise into a global, no-union, 24-hour-a-day reality show — an idea Roger got from that Ray Bradbury book, natch — and you know what? I would say, "Yeah, that sounds about right. And it would definitely explain this.
MEG: I love how people consider a thrice-married, Catholic pro-abortion pro-gay rights candidate the "conservative" choice. I really, really do. Can we actually just trade all the other kinds of conservatives in for other Rudys?
Like, let the Westboro people and the James Dobsons and whatever go make their own God party?
MOE: Right, and the God Party is such a much better idea than the Reform Party. Why can't the Democrats get their shit together and form one? I'm sure if you paid Karl Rove enough money he'd mastermind it.
MEG: The problem is that no one actually wants to reform anything because, for them, the system works fine.
Congressional and Senate seats are practically for life, you barely have to work if you don't want to and you make $150,000 /year with automatic raises
MOE: Right, which is why it's actually just shocking that ANYONE at ALL involved for any duration of time in government on a level that is at all local would not be thoroughly mobbed-up, shady and devoid of morals. I mean, maybe it is just the former resident of Philadelphia in me. Or maybe it is the former resident of the District of Columbia in me talking. Or maybe it is the former resident of China, I don't know. But like, politics? It's full of crooks! And the annoying part for people like us trying to follow their intricately-woven scandals is, they're not particularly smart crooks! Look at Norman Hsu! Look at Anne Hathaway's boyfriend! Total huckster amateurs hour. Can we please now direct our attention to how Goldman Sachs has weathered this mortgage crisis unscathed???
MEG: Hmmm. Lessee, financial services company from which the current Treasury Secretary came managed to whether the subprime mortgage crisis unscathed. Wow, they must be, like, really, really smart over there.
Oh, and does Chelsea still work there?
Because Dina Powell does...
MOE: Really? I thought Chelsea worked for some private equity firm. The last I read about her Bill was at a party for a book by her ex-boyfriend, which no one read. Right?
MEG: I can't say I read it. I think it was announced she's supposed to be helping her mom run for President or something, but I haven't seen anything of her. I'm glad someone else has issues wiht their mother.
MOE: I still haven't called my mom since Kanye's mom died. Speaking of moms, should Elizabeth Edwards be home beating cancer? It seems to me that she should just be running herself. What if they did that, just switched places midway through the campaign? I'm not her biggest fan, but it would be a great way to just, like, fuck with the Clintons.
MEG: Oh, dude, that would be totally awesome! Personally, I think EE should do whatever she wants. My understanding is that the last diagnosis meant she wasn't going back into remission ever, and it was more about prolonging her life than saving it, so if it makes her happy to do a campaign (and she says, publically at least, that it does), then she should.
MOE: Agreed. People with cancer should do whatever the fuck distracts them from the cancer. Also, they should buy a puppy. That's the only way I've seen it work.
MEG: Oh, really, who doesn't like puppies. And kittens. Well, except for this guy. Maybe what the world needs is a universal cuteness hierarchy.